Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!"
I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."

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A man gets the words 'I love you' tattoed to his реnis. He goes home and shows his wife. His wife says, "Don't try to put words into my mouth!"

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Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Communication Jokes Love Jokes

What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?
Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

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Men jokes Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!"Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a ваsтаrd in the family than a lawyer."

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Lawyer Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Baby Jokes Cheating Jokes

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

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Geek jokes Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Computer Jokes Dad Jokes

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes One-Liner Jokes Dad Jokes

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, suскing in his stomach.
"Ha! That's not going to help," she said.
"Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Lottery!’
Martha shouts back, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’
The man replies, ‘I don’t care, just as long as you’re out of the house by noon!’

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viаgrа.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
“Why not?” asked the man.
“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.
“But I need it really bad,” said the man.
“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.
The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”
The man said, “No one showed up.”

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Viagra jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Drug Jokes

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."

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Men jokes Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Business jokes Single People Jokes

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

Agnes married and had 13 children.
When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together.
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sеxy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Beauty Jokes Love Jokes

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn comes in to take a рiss. Well, the man cant help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "bubba, whats your secret?" Bubba says"well, every night before i go to get in bed with a woman i whack my diск on the bedpost three times." So the man decides to try it that very night. So he got to bed and whacked his diск on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes.up and says"bubba, is that you?"

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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Dark Humor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really?
What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much.
But he would be 165 years old."

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Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Friendship Jokes Grandparent Jokes

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Wedding jokes Couple jokes

A woman is driving for 1st time on the highway.
Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."
She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dogs Sleeping Anywhere Dog jokes