Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?”
“Sure is.”
“Have I met her?”
“I don't think so.”
“Is she attractive?”
“Won't win any beauty contests.”
“Can she cook?”
“Can't even boil an egg.”
“Is she rich?”
“Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.”
“She must be great in the sack then?”
“I haven't actually found out.”
“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”
“She can still drive.”

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There were three women who always hung their laundry out in the backyard.
Two of the women noticed Sophie never had her laundry out on days that it rained.
One day, they were all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women said to Sophie, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," said Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his реnis is hanging over his right leg, I know I can hang out the wash. If his реnis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if it is pointed straight up?" asked one of the women.
"On a day like that, I don't bother with the laundry."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Weather jokes

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Grandparent Jokes

A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

They say that married men live the longest.
It's ironic, since they're the ones most willing to die.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive, single man. It was a relief since my mother and I always laughed at the fact that the men I was drawn to were inevitably married.
So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living.
He replied, “I’m a priest.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Single People Jokes Priest Jokes

My wife finished her glass of wine and placed it on the table. As we left the restaurant, she got the car keys out of her pocket. I snatched them out of her hand and said, “You can’t drive!”
She said, “But I’ve only had one small glass of wine.”
I said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Wine jokes Restaurant Jokes

“One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

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News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. “Long day?” the bartender asks. “Well… My oldest son just came out…” The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. “What now?” the bartender asks. “My middle son just came out.” The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. “Again?” the bartender asks. “Yeah. My youngest son.” He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. “My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??” the bartender asks. “Yeah… My wife.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Business jokes

Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.
My niece chimes in and says,
"Not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."
Without missing a beat, she said,
"Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Wife: Because I married the wrong man!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it.
Why?
Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sеx.
No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.
The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.
The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home.
When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says,
"Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."
When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says,
"Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."
Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner.
When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says,
"Brawkk! Hi Phil!"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Parrot jokes

Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising flour, right?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes Communication Jokes

Even though we’ve been married for years, I’m still living the single life.
Shit food and no sеx.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Sex Jokes Single People Jokes

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
Your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
Stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
You just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
For the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :
- ) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
Processor. Com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
Computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
Depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
Have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
Landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Computer Jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Internet Jokes

"My wife and I always compromise, I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me."

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Marriage and Family Jokes