Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?” A gentleman says, ”I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”
“Very good!” says the group leader. One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”
“That's wonderful!” the group leader comments. One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.” The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”
“Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!”

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Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Communication Jokes

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could кill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Baby Jokes

Being single and unemployed is actually a lot like being married.
I don’t get any sеx and I’ve never got any money.

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Single People Jokes

Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to Раddy, with the parish priest.
“He dropped his trousers last night Father, he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before.”
“Sure that’s only his реnis Mary.”
“But father there’s a purple кnов on it.”
“That’s just the head of the реnis Mary.”
“Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple кnов there’s two big round things. What are they Father?”
“Well for your sake Mary, I hope they’re the cheeks of his аrsе.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dating Jokes Priest Jokes

So 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gаy marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place.
A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal.
Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Girl:
"Will you love me after marriage, also?"
Boy:
"I think that'll depend on your husband."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

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Money jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes

I got married to Miss Right.
I just didn’t realise her first name was ‘Always’.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
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How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
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A Jewish man went into a church and entered the confession booth. The priest welcomed him and asked him what he would like to talk about. The Jew told him, “Last night, I went to a bar and met these two young buxom beauties. I took them into a back alley and let them take turns suскing my shvantz over and over until I was satisfied, before taking them both home to make love all night.”
The priest nodded and replied,”The Lord forgives you for your sins, but may I ask, you are Jewish, why have you come to tell me.”
The Jewish man replied,”Tell you, are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”
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A guy walks home after buying a соск-suскing frog. He walks into the kitchen, where his wife is doing the dishes, and plonks it on the table.”What the fсuк am I supposed to do with that?” she screams.”Teach it to cook and fсuк off,” he replies.
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What’s the difference between a реnis and a bonus?
Your wife will always вlоw your bonus!
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Whats the difference between a roast beef sandwich and a вlоw job?
You don’t know? soooo…you wanna do lunch tomorrow?
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A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The child asks, “Mother, where do babies come from? ”
“Well dear…a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sеx.”
The daughter looks puzzled.
“That means the daddy puts his реnis in the mommy”s vаginа. That”s how you get a baby, honey.”
The daughter replies, “Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy”s room you had daddy’s реnis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewellery, dear.
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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes What's The Difference Jokes Priest Jokes

I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

Every night while Dave is having dinner his wife Natalie goes to the bedroom turns off the light and makes out with Daves friend Andy by the window.
After some days Dave had doubt and leaving supper he went to the dark room only to hear whispers from the other side of the window.
He pushes Natalie away goes near the window,unties his pant and put his аrsе facing the window.
After a minute Andy puts a kiss on his вuтт cheek and says "Natalie, haven't u brushed ur teeth today?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

An airplane was once making a routine flight from Hackensack, New Jersey to New York City. The people on board where the world's smartest politician, the pilot (also a father), a Boy Scout, and a devout Christian. In mid-flight, the engine stalled, and there where only three parachutes. The pilot said,
" I've got a family down there. I need to live so I can take care of them" so he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The world's smartest politician said, I've got an election coming up, so I'd better live so I can win it." So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. That left the Boy Scout and the Christian in the plane and only 1 parachute. The Christian said,
"I have lived a long life. I am prepared for. Go and grab that parachute for yourself." The Boy Scout got his parachute and was about to jump when he said,
"Hey, there is one for you too. The world’s smartest politician grabbed my backpack

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Marriage and Family Jokes Political Jokes Christian Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

My ex-girlfriend started talking about marriage yesterday.
Hence the ‘ex’.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dating Jokes

A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, “Wake up, someone is breaking in!”
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, “Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife.”
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, “Why would you want me to meet your wife?”
The man replied, “She’s been expecting you for 20 years.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Criminal Jokes

A man is out walking in the hills when he sees a woman standing on the edge of a cliff. She is very upset and crying loudly.
“What are you doing up here?” says the man.
“I’m going to кill myself,” replied the woman.
“Well, before you do, what about letting me fuск you in the аss?” said the man.
The woman proceeds to let him fuск her in the аss and it’s the best one the guy can remember.
“Anyway, why do you want to кill yourself?” asks the man.
“Because my family have disowned me for dressing up as a woman.”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
The letter "m."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes USA Jokes American Jokes