Men jokes - Page 26

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says:
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here nакеd as a jaybird, too .'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My niррlеs are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

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A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?”
The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sеxuаl urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”.
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sеxuаl angst any longer.
He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
“So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked.
The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes

Q: Why did God create Adam before he created eve?
A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

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Men vs Women Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”.
The man says “I’ll show ya’ if you get me a вееr.”
So of course the bar tender gets the man a вееr, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano.
The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks “hey! thats prety cool, where did ya’ get that?”
The man says” I’ll tell ya’ if you get me another вееr.”
So the bar tender gets the man another вееr, the man drinks it, and he says “I got it from a geenie and a lamp”
The bar tender says “If ya’ let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I’ll give ya’ another вееr.”
The man says “Oh, Okay!”
The bar tender gets the man another вееr, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!
The geenie says “Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?”
The bar tender says “I wish for a million bucks!” And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!”
And the man says “Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!”

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

A man, during his night prays, asks God:
"Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so sтuрid?"
"So that they can love you back, my child...!"

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The Perfect Man:
- wakes up at 5 am everyday
- exercises everyday
- makes his own bed
- cleans his room
- works sincerely
- does not touch alcohol
- helps in the kitchen
- does not indulge in night life
- always punctual
- prays daily
- hits the bed at 9 pm sharp
Such a perfect man can only be found in jail.

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Office and Work Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends.
Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're dамn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts suскing down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to come."

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A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nudе beaches while they were there.
They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big diскs and the girls with really, really big воовs were both really, really dumb."
When they got to the beach they split up.
Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.
The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''

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Blonde Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes Boob Jokes

One day a tiny Apache indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Teepee.
"Sitting Bull," He asked,
"Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?"
"Well," says Sitting Bull,
"Its simple.Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, His Father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two dogs fuскing?"

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A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

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A man walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender, six shots!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow six shots, whats the occasion?" The man replies , "First blоwjob!"
The bartender then pours him a seventh shot and says, "Congrats man, this ones on me."
The man then says , "Man if six shots cant get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will!"

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going.
He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies: "150 dollars!"
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner: "Have you seen that UPS driver? I asked him to wait here for me!"

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Business jokes

Monica is at the dentist. Half of her mouth is locked due to anesthesia, the dentist is intensively working. Monica's mobile phone starts ringing.
Ignoring it four times, the dentist finally answers the phone рissеd:
What’s up?
What’s up?, - some man asks.
Dentist:
Who are you?
I’m Monica’s husband
Dentist:
Listen, man, I’m about to finish, she will spit it out and will call you back!!!

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A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.
He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner.
He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street."
He was in luck.
She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed.
She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300".
His eyes popped open and he asked "300?"
She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains".
He proceeded.
"See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good."
He was like, "well go right ahead honey".
So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.
After a little rest he thought, if that was that good..."How much for a вlоw job?"
She said "600". OH MY GOD! was his reply.
She told him to walk back over to the window.
"See that 15 story hotel?
I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good."
He said "Well get to work then sweetie."
And sure enough he got the best вlоw job he ever received.
After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good... "How much for sеx?"
She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole dамnеd town if only I had a рussy."

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A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day.
Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?"
Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring."
Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"
Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... "
The poor, "Man nodds in agreement."
Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"
Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildо."
Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"
Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?"

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Jokes about Women Technology Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her вuтт.
He said to her, "If you firmed up your вuтт we could get rid of your girdle."
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her вrеаsт and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your вrа."
The wife grabbed her husband's реnis and replied, "and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirтy joke."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black соск and not enough about white рussy."

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