Military Jokes

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A huge airplane, full of passengers, had just taken off when a 5 year-old bad behaved boy created havoc with yelling and crying out loud.
Despite his mother's efforts, the boy could calm down.
The passengers, obviously frustrated, gossip about it and some mentioned Herod way for salvation, but they still manage to get through the torture by staying calm and noble.
The boy though, had no plans on ease up with his attitude.
In fact, he gets worse.
Starts screaming, swearing and spitting all around the plane.
People got desperate.
Suddenly, an old man stands up and walks towards to the little boy with a slow but majestic walk.
He was wearing an air force general costume with badges and medals all over his suit jacket.
He nudges to the mother so she can stop trying all of her hopeless efforts to quite the boy and then, kindly bends over and whispers something to the boy's ear.
The child, immediately stops, takes his seat and fastens his seatbelt.
The man went back to his seat with the same confidence, while the whole plane admired his achievement.
"Excuse me Mr. General, but what did you say to that child and made him quite?" a lady wondered.
"I showed him my medals, ma'am, and told him that I've won them on the battlefield and that those medals give me the right to through a passenger off the plane on any flight I feel like, only once a year and then I mentioned that this year... I haven't picked one yet..."
Aviation Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Military Jokes
An accountant is walking along the beach (also, not the joke) and he finds an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it and of course, a genie appears.
The genie says "I am the most powerful genie that has ever lived. I can do great and wonderful things and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one."
Well, this accountant is a deeply caring individual.
He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean area and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Arab-Israeli conflict in the Middle East."
The genie strokes his beard and looks worried.
"Oh dear, " he says , staring at the map. "That's a tough one. Those people have been fighting for eons. No one has been able to come up with a successful solution. I'm not sure if I could do any better. You should probably make another wish."
The accountant is understanding and says, "All right. Listen, the IRS has asked me to re-design their 1040 form so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?"
There's a long silence and finally the genie says, "Let's have another look at that map."
Accountant Jokes Office and Work Jokes Military Jokes Genie jokes
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunк. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:

"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:

"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"
Military Jokes Hotel Jokes
Military Jokes
Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
The реsт exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
Secretary Jokes Banker Jokes Military Jokes Hairdresser Jokes
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom,
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big сrар . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge тiтs out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shiт first."
В един самолет пилотите разговарят помежду си, но забравили да изключат микрофона към пътническия салон: По време на полет двамата пилоти разговарят: Пилот Thank You For Flying With Us 3000 Meter über dem Atlantik H γριά και η αεροσυνοδός. Ο καφές και το μο**ι...... Лети самолет и двамата пилоти си говорят, но са забравили включен микрофона. Единият казва: Пилот с трудом отрывает самолет от земли и, с облегчением откинувшись на спинку, забыв выключить микрофон, произносит: Dans un avion ayant atteint son altitude de croisière, le commandant de bord branche le micro et annonce aux passagers: On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. Ο πιλότος ετοιμάζεται για απογείωση . В кабине самолета пилот не выключил громкую связь, и говорил второму пилоту: A man is on a plane. The pilot starts talking on the intercom and then lays it down without knowing its still on. Салон самолета. Пилоты сказали всю инфу и забыли выключить микрофон. На весь салон: - Ну, сейчас чайку попьем, потом стюардессу тр@хнем. Стюардесса бежит к кабине пилотов, ее останавливает бабка: - Да не торопись ты так, доча, они же сказали - сначала чай попьют! LA HOSTESS E L’AUDIO. Aereo in partenza, controlli di routine fatti, il Capitano annuncia la partenza del volo... si dimentica di spegnere il microfono, quindi si rivolge al 2° pilota e gli dice: bene ora potremmo berci una bella birra fresca, poi farci una sveltina con la hostess e quindi... Au bord d'un avion sur le point de décoller, le pilote passe une annonce au micro : - Bonjour Mesdames et Messieurs, notre avion a destination de Rio est sur le point de décoller, veuillez faire attention à ce que votre de ceinture de sécurité soit bien attachée. Après son annonce passée, le... Der Flugkapitän macht seine Durchsage und vergisst das Mikro auszuschalten. "Jetzt trinke ich erstmal einen Kaffee, und dann kann mir die neue Stewardess einen blasen." Die Fluggäste hören... A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and... Flyg mot Gran Canaria. Piloten tar mikrofonen och berättar för sina passagerare att flygningen mot Gran Canaria är påbörjad, vilken väg dom skall ta och beräknad ankomst. När detta är gjort önskar... O piloto do avião abre o microfone e fala: — Senhores passageiros, vamos agora voar a 35 mil pés. Caso ocorra alguma pequena turbulência, não se assustem por que isso é normal, pois estamos... Despega un vuelo. El capitán de la nave les da la bienvenida a los pasajeros, les informa sobre el vuelo y el estado del tiempo y por último se despide deseándoles un muy agradable viaje.... Aan het eind van de vlucht neemt de piloot afscheid van de passagiers, maar vergeet de microfoon af te zetten. Tegen de tweede piloot zegt hij: "als we geland zijn, ga ik eerst douchen, eten en... Стюардеса привітала пасажирів на борту, забула мікрофон в кабіні пілотів та роздає цукерки в салоні. В салоні чути розмову пілотів. — Висоту набрали, включаю автопілот, а ти слідкуй за приборами. Я... În avion, pilotul vorbeşte cu copilotul: - După ce îmi beau cafeua, mă duc să fac dragoste cu stewardesa aia blondă! Stewardesa aude şi fuge să-i spună pilotului că a uitat microfonul deschis şi se... Пилотот и копилотот разговараат за време на лет: - Да пиеме по едно кафе и после да ја „опнеме“ стјуардесата? - Може, може... Арно ама, микрофоните биле вклучени и разговорот се слушнал во целиот... A pilóta felszáll, átkapcsol robot pilótára, nyújtózik egy nagyot, de a Mikrofont bekapcsolva felejti és így szól: - Most iszom egy kávét, utána jól megdugom a kis szőke stewardesst. Hátul a... Finnairin koneen perämies unohti laskeutumiskuulutuksen jälkeen mikrofonin päälle. Matkustamossa matkustavat kuuluivat selvästi seuraavat suunnitelmat: " Heti kun on kone kuitattu ulos, meikä... De piloot van een vliegtuig is vergeten de intercom uit te zetten. Als ze eenmaal vliegen op de automatische piloot, zegt hij: "Ah, nu heb ik echt eens zin in een kop koffie en een lekkere... Uçak new york’a yaklaşırken iki pilot konuşmaktadırlar. ne var ki mikrofon açık kalmıştır ve konuşulanlar bütün yolcularca dinlenmektedir. - New york’a iner inmez, önce ılık bir banyo yapacağım....
Aviation Jokes Hotel Jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes Boob Jokes
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
Marriage and Family Jokes Military Jokes
Performance Evaluations
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jеrк.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirтy jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Sтuрid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ... .
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
Management Jokes Military Jokes Superhero Jokes Boss Jokes
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
Aviation Jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Military Jokes
An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.
Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."
Диспечер, диспечер, тук трети! Земя, земя, тук полет 257... Το αεροπλάνο. Самолет, разполагащ със най-модерните системи, лети на автопилот над Атлантика. Изведнъж силна аларма събужда заспалия пилот, който слава богу, реагира светкавично и дава гласова команда на бордовия компютър: "Pilota chiama base. Pilota chiama base. Il motore di destra non funziona." - Pilote à contrôle... pilote à contrôle... Je suis à 300 miles des côtes... 600 pieds au-dessus de l'eau... et à court de carburant... qu'est-ce que je fais ?  - Contrôle à pilote... contrôle à pilote... répétez après moi : Notre Père qui est aux cieux... Un avion qui survolait la Belgique lance un appel de détresse: - Allo! La tour de contrôle? SOS... J'ai un moteeur en panne, un réacteur en feu et un train d'aterrissage bloqué... Quelles sont vos instructions? Quelques secondes passent... - Allo! Ici la tour de contrôle... Répétez après moi:... Eine Blondine macht einen Rundflug in einem Zweisitzer, in dem sich nur sie und der Pilot befinden. Plötzlich erleidet der Pilot einen Herzinfarkt und stirbt. Panisch schreit die Blondine ins...
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