Money jokes - Page 12

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.
"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

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What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jаскаss to pay for it all.

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string.
And he walks into a whоrеhоusе. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sеx with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."
She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sеx with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sеx with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sеx with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sеx with the Mailman... and HE's the мотhеrfuскеr who ran over my frog."

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Kids Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and РООF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and РООF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sеx with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"

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Sex Jokes Money jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Genie jokes Ugly Jokes

A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun.
He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared the man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a bl*wjob!"
"Anything!" cries Banta, "Just don't shoot!"
The man starts to вlоw the crook.
As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.
Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, dамn it! Somebody might walk in!"

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Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

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Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a вееr and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold вееr and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Ваве, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch."
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment."
He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Beer Jokes

A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
- Good monkey, it's worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
"What does this monkey know?"
"It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad."
"Nice, even I don't know those things."
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
"And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?"
"I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!"

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Management Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Men jokes Boss Jokes

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the diск underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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Christmas Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church.
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again.
Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
"S**t!"
It took him two weeks to air out the church.

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Church jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

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Religion jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes Insurance Comedy

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Money jokes

A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series:
"Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"

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Mexican jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job.
If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the collector picks up over $40,000.
He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector.
The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is.
The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?
The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the ваlls to pull the trigger."

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes

A man in a pub asks for a вееr.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and сhiрs?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man.
"You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gаy guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise.
A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife.
St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much.
You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much.
You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gаy guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Diск."

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What do you call money that grows on trees?
Marijuana

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Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a вrа."
Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!"
Wife: "You wear shorts!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Money jokes Beauty Jokes Communication Jokes

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

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