Pet Jokes - Page 5

A man enters a little country store and sees a sign reading, ‘Danger!
Beware of Dog’.
He then sees an old hound dog lying asleep on the floor.
‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’ says the man to the shopkeeper.
‘Yep,’ replies the shopkeeper.
‘Before I posted that sign, everyone kept tripping over him.’

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I have got a new dog.
We have trained together for two months and imagine, after these two months I was able to reach him my paw and managed even barking around on command.
My dog can be proud of myself.

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

That sтuрid fuскing dog of mine. I just spotted him in the garden trying to fuск a cabbage...
He must've thought it was a collie...

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

I’ve never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man they love in a cat.

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy.“

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Good jokes Dog jokes

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, sсuм sucker. The other is a fish.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.

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Lawyer Jokes Vampire jokes Pet Jokes Fishing Jokes

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes Programmer Jokes Boss Jokes

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man," Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
" Naw, sir" , replied the redneck." I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
" Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let" em swim" round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take" em home."
" That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said," It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
" O. K.." , said the warden." I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says," Well?"
" Well, what?" , says the redneck.
The warden says," When are you going to call them back?"
" Call who back?"
"The FISH" , replied the warden!
" What fish?" , replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

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Fishing Jokes Pet Jokes Redneck jokes

What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer?
A lot of bites.

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Animal Jokes Computer Jokes Pet Jokes

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever.
Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

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Animal Jokes Pet Jokes Cat jokes Dog jokes

I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

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Pet Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Birthday Jokes

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of вееr.
He gets a pitcher of вееr and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his вееr. He orders another and he gets really рissеd drunк.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???'
The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!

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Pet Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in.
Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

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Pet Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.
A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!”
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.
He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!”
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.
The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “Вullshiт, come!”
Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.
Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

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Pet Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says "Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?"
The father says "Ahh, they're making a puppy."
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddy's on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says "Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?"
He says "Oh, were making it a baby."
The kid say "Turn her over, I want a puppy!"

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Pet Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Sex Jokes Dog jokes

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him.
“Daddy, the cat died today!”
“Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.”
“But why are his arms and legs up in the air?”
“Well, darling, that’s just something they do.”
She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later.
When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.
“Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!”
“What are you talking about?”
“I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”

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Pet Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, “See the doggy?”
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, “See the baby?”

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Baby Jokes Dog jokes

Little Mathieu was digging in his garden a hole.
The next door neighbor saw him and asked;
"Why are you digging the dirt Mathieu?"
"My goldfish died, and I have to bury it."
"Oh, I’m so sorry! But, isn’t that hole too big for a small goldfish?"
"Indeed, it is! But my goldfish is inside your sтuрid cat!"

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Pet Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes