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A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man," Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
" Naw, sir" , replied the redneck." I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
" Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let" em swim" round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take" em home."
" That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said," It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
" O. K.." , said the warden." I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says," Well?"
" Well, what?" , says the redneck.
The warden says," When are you going to call them back?"
" Call who back?"
"The FISH" , replied the warden!
" What fish?" , replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs.
One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."
Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant.
The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."
"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."
The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.
His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.
"You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says.
"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a sтuрid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that sтuрid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll вlоw in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can рее on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?
One day a fellow came into the bar with a cat, not just any cat, but a mean-looking gingеr tom.
You could see the scars from across the room.
But that wasn't the weirdest thing; a six-foot ostrich - eyes like golf ваlls, followed them in - a real live ostrich!
I asked the man what he wanted.
"I'll have a pint of bitter," he said.
"A pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic for the cat."
The cat hissed at him.
"Make that a double gin and tonic. Thanks."
Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back.
Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that it wanted the same again.
Well, I poured them.
I could feel the cat's eyes burning through me as if he was checking that he got his double again.
I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied around the ostrich's neck.
This went on for a couple of hours.
The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, while the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to кill.
The whole place got quiet.
People sat and stared, and who could blame them?
Eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow just what was going on.
"Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped.
So I said, "No harm meant, but you've got to admit that you're a unique set of drinkers.
He smiled, but there was no light in that smile.
"Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you."
"I was across town the other week, working on the new road. Amid the dirt and the rubble, I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appeared. You know - turban, scimitar, and the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."
"And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a long-legged bird with a tight рussy. But this wasn't what I had in mind."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."