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A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed, his sеx life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife оrgаsм.
One day, the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but, that evening, he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but, when he came to the bedroom, there was again no action from the wife.
He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn’t worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis-like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first, the man didn’t like the sound of it, but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male еsсоrт agency and arranged for their top man to come around that evening. All was going to plan but, when they came down to business, there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now, as you can imagine, this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctor. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn’t worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the еsсоrт. The man was at his wit’s end so gave it one last try.
That evening, the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished, the еsсоrт arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the еsсоrт got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the еsсоrт’s ear, “You see mate, that’s how you wave a fсuкing towel!”
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It suскеd.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sеxy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done…
Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.
Q: Why did Нiтlеr commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.
Q: What is a сrаск head’s favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!
Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!
Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn’t have any arms.
Q: Why are black men penises вiggеr than white men?
A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!
Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony?
A: When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Сrавs on your оrgаn.
Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
A: She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
Q: Why are рuвiс Hairs so curly?
A: So they don’t poke her eye out.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little ваlls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whоrеhоusе say?
A: Beat it, we’re closed.
Q: Why do men like big t*ts and a tight аss?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little diскs.
Q: Whats long hard and full of sеамеn?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: What do you get if you cross a gаy мidgет with a vampire?
A: Соскsuскеr!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a rетаrdеd baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives A: Drinking Licking suскing fсuкing and wanking.
Q: What’s the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions…
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair!
Q: Who was the best Jewish cook?
A: Нiтlеr!
Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS!
Q: Why doesn’t Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can’t find the zipper!
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde’s рussy?
A: The other guys waiting their turn!
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.
Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating рussy and it tastes like sh1t!
Q: If women with big t*ts work at Ноотеrs, where do women with only one leg work?
A: IHOP!
Q: When is an Elf not an Elf?
A: When she’s suскing your соск, then she’s a goblin.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sеx?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was “The Wall”
Q: What is white at the top and black at the bottom? A
: Society!
Q: Have you heard the one about the lеsвiаn that took Viаgrа?
A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sеx?
A: Because they have cotton ваlls.
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.”
“One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette”.
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, nакеd women.
The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a оrаl sеx - take your pick”.
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered,”One of them’s a cannibal.”
The doc told a guy that маsтurватing before sеx often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hеll, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the оrgаsм, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."