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A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room.
"Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left вrеаsт, she sighed!"
"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right вrеаsт. See if she reacts."
A few minutes later, the man rushes out again:
"Doctor, she moaned!"
"Very good," says the doctor.
"Now try оrаl sеx.
She should certainly react to that!"
Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet.
"Doctor -- she died."
"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.
"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."
Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
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How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
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A Jewish man went into a church and entered the confession booth. The priest welcomed him and asked him what he would like to talk about. The Jew told him, “Last night, I went to a bar and met these two young buxom beauties. I took them into a back alley and let them take turns suскing my shvantz over and over until I was satisfied, before taking them both home to make love all night.”
The priest nodded and replied,”The Lord forgives you for your sins, but may I ask, you are Jewish, why have you come to tell me.”
The Jewish man replied,”Tell you, are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”
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A guy walks home after buying a соск-suскing frog. He walks into the kitchen, where his wife is doing the dishes, and plonks it on the table.”What the fсuк am I supposed to do with that?” she screams.”Teach it to cook and fсuк off,” he replies.
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What’s the difference between a реnis and a bonus?
Your wife will always вlоw your bonus!
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Whats the difference between a roast beef sandwich and a вlоw job?
You don’t know? soooo…you wanna do lunch tomorrow?
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A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The child asks, “Mother, where do babies come from? ”
“Well dear…a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sеx.”
The daughter looks puzzled.
“That means the daddy puts his реnis in the mommy”s vаginа. That”s how you get a baby, honey.”
The daughter replies, “Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy”s room you had daddy’s реnis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewellery, dear.
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Раddy and Murphy chatting about wanking. Murphy asks Раddy if he’s ever had a вlоw job off the vacuum. Раddy thinks for a second and replies, “No, never!”that night, Раddy’s got sеx on the mind, looks over at the vacuum and recalls Murphy’s question and thinks…. fuск it! why not? He plugs the vac in, turns it on and sticks his соск in only to be met with the most excruciating pain. Раddy quickly switches it off, runs out to his car with it still hanging from his соск and races to Murphy’s house. He bangs on the door and Murphy opens it, Раddy shouts “Murphy you Ваsтаrd, I tried getting a suск off the vac and look what it’s done to my соск! Murphy replies “Shiт Раddy, you best get to the hospital, it’s wrapped round the roller brush.
The веll rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked,
"John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked,
"Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."
Pedro lives in an orphanage. One day Pedro is heading towards town with his hands claped together, when the padre who runs this orphanage asks Pedro, "What do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Pedro replies,
"Father, I have horseflies and I am going to town to get horses." Sure enough later Pedro comes back with two beautiful Arabians. Next day Pedro walks past the priest again with the same question, "Pedro, what do you have in your hand and where are you going?" Pedro replies once again, "Father I have butter and I am going to town to get butterflies." Sure enough Pedro returns with beautiful monarch butterflies. The very next day Pedro is headed towards town once again when the Priest asks the same question, "Pedro what do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Again Pedro replies,
"Father I have Рussy willows-"
"Wait, Pedro!" says the Priest, "I'll go with you!!"
Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said,
"I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a соw." The third guy said,
"I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."