Sex Jokes - Page 56

Redneck goes into a doctors Anant and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sеx!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor anant asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sеx with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says dr anant.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sеx with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sеx with my neighbour pakistani lady, TWICE a day," says the redneck
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the dr Anant. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do", says the redneck. "Twice a day !!!

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Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hеll.
Petrus says: You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you.
You may choose "heaven" or "hеll".
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table.
Bill takes a look in hеll and sees really beautiful women, sеx, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.
So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hеll!
Once in hеll, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire.
So Bill says : hey, what the hеll is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sеx?
The devil says:
'That was just a demo version."

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Sеx without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty dамn good.

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I got a letter from my doctor the other day.
“Brilliant!” I said to my wife, “he says I must have daily sеx!”
“No, you sтuрid сunт,” she replied once she’d read it, “he says you must have dyslexia.”

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What do nostalgic gynaecologists do?
Look up old friends.

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Sеx with a weatherman must suск…
…Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches, only to find out it’s not even 4.

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Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sеx when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

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Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it.
Why?
Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sеx.
No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.

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An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.
They undressed and were about to sсrеw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest вrеаsтs I ever seen!"

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Even though we’ve been married for years, I’m still living the single life.
Shit food and no sеx.

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It’s the morning after the honeymoon.
The wife says, ‘You know, you’re a really lousy lover.’
The husband replies, ‘How can you possible tell that after only 30 seconds.’

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Sex Jokes

Being single and unemployed is actually a lot like being married.
I don’t get any sеx and I’ve never got any money.

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My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suск my diск.
No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sеx with Fаnny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father,
It has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sеx with Fаnny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fаnny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
A tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fаnny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’

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Man to woman: ‘Tell me, after having sеx do you ever smoke?’
Woman: ‘I’ve never looked.’

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Whats the difference between having sеx and having a shiт?
You don’t have to cuddle a тurd for half an hour afterwards.

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Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor."
"Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

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A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother,
“Mom, what’s sеx?”
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said.
“Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viаgrа. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

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I think you’ll find that any of my lady companions will tell you I’m a ‘five times a night man’.
I really shouldn’t drink so much tea before I go to bed.

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