Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

Patient:
"I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night."
Doctor:
"Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Кill two birds with one stone."

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Q: Why did the mathbook кill himself?
A: Because nobody understood him.

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Sick and Death Jokes Math Jokes

The whole idea of Jesus dying to pay for our sins is вullshiт.
Jews don't pay for anything.

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Christian Jokes Jewish Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A Shark alarm at Sydneys Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water except for three young boys who didn't hear the siren.
Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety.
He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece.
The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle.
As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, That was the most heroic thing
I've ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrows newspaper: Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!
Thanks. Smiles the fella, but I'm not an Aussie. I'm a British backpacker.
No worries, said the journalist with a frown, it'll still be front-page news.
The next day, the newspapers headline screamed, Pommy ваsтаrd kills boy's pet fish!

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News and Politics Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died?
A: Sеx is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that dамn gun..."

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Church jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Priest Jokes

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunк.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Nationality Jokes Irish jokes Sick and Death Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead.
She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Blonde Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.
This parrot was a very nasty parrot.
It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, “On no! I froze my aunt’s bird to death.”
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, “I’m sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, “Why the change?”
The bird answered, “Because I saw what you did to the other bird."

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Parrot jokes Insult Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Black preacher is driving home from church and sees the white preacher walking down the road.
He reluctantly pulls over to offer him a ride.
A short distance along the way the whit guy says " you people don't actually think Jesus was black do you?"
"And what makes think he's not?"
The black pastor snaps back.
The conversation becomes so heated less than needed attention was paid to the road and both men died in a trgic head on collision.
When st. Peter opened the pearly gates to heaven before them, there stood Jesus Сhrisт himself.
He spread his arms slowly in a welcoming gesture and said "Buenos dias amigos!"

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Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Church jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Black People Jokes

Old Farmer Peter was dying.
The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife:
"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife:
"No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Peter:
"But I want you to."
Wife:
"But why?"
Peter:
"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and кill you again.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris was sitting around a campfire with two cowboys.
The cowboys were competing to see which one is more hаrdсоrе.
The first one says," Once, I was charged by an angry bull. I proceeded to jump on its back and кill it by gorging its eyes out."
The second says, " Once I was swimming in a river, and an annocanda tried to strangle me. I ripped its head off with my teeth."
Chuck norris just smiles and continues tending to the campfire with his реnis.

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Animal Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris used to be a soccer referee.
He lost the job after giving penalties to the players: Death Penalty.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Soccer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man enters a pet shop. He wants to buy live mice to feed his python. The man saw the cage with a parrot and begins to examine it. In this moment the parrot said,
"Your fly is undone."
The man blushed. He looked around if anyone sees him and closed his zipper. The parrot said again,
"Your pants have a slit back."
The man blushed still more and tried to cover his аss with a hand.
"Your shoelaces are untied", the parrot does not cease.
The man веnт down to tie his shoelaces.
"Farted! ... You little fаrт", the parrot yelled.
The man died of shame and fled from the store. At this point the mice called from their cage and said,
"Coco, thanks you! You saved our lives again. You know, we'll make it up to you."

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Parrot jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Fart Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.

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Dark Humor Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes

First man:
"I follow the medical profession."
Second man:
"Are you a doctor?"
First man:
"No, I'm an undertaker."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chicken to turkey:
"Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."

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Animal Jokes Food Jokes Christmas Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Blonde: Officer theres like a thousand dead people here!
Cop: Okay, calm down. Where are you?
Blonde: The cemetery!
Cop: *facepalm*

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Blonde Jokes Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes