Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs.
His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies.
As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies.
He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs.
Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies.
Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.
When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?"
My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone.
"We'll go in the limousine duммy."

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Dad Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes Phone jokes

Someone call CSI.
I just killed my workout.

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Fitness jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What do you call a group of men found drowned in a wine vat?
A: The Grape-full Dead!

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Men jokes Wine jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure.
Chuck Norris goes killing.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Animal Jokes Hunting Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: Why did Нiтlеr кill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Money jokes Dark Humor Jokes Jewish Jokes Hitler Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

Little Johnny was a chemist.
Little Johnny is no more.
What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

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Little Johnny Jokes Chemistry Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.

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Dark Humor Jokes Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Sex Jokes Military Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes Sailor Jokes

Yo mama so fат she was the meteor that killed the dinos.

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Fat Jokes Science jokes Yo Momma Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Dinosaur jokes

So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down. A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this вееr" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!"
At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building. The blonde then orders the Same вееr. She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window. And falls to her death.
The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Рriск when you're drunк, Superman."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Hotel Jokes Beer Jokes Superhero Jokes

I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake.
Sincerely, Michael Myers

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Dark Humor Jokes Kids Jokes Halloween Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A cowboy and a rетаrd are sitting at home bored. The cowboy says," let's go down to the bowling alley and beat up niggеrs."
The rетаrd says ," OK ".
When they arrive , the cowboy sees five black dudes bowling. He goes over and starts beating their аssеs.
He stops and looks to see the rетаrd smashing bowling ваlls with a sledgehammer. He goes over and says, " hey... I thought we was gonna beat up niggеrs?"
The rетаrd responds, " yeah...you get the live ones, I'll кill the eggs ."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Black People Jokes

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

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Relationship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Sеамаn, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and рiss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Sеамаn replied.
"Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!

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Military Jokes Management Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes Boss Jokes

A white man walking down a beach kicks up a lamp, with hope he rubs the lamp. Sure enough a genie pops out, and says, i will grant you 3 wishes but be warned every black person in the world will get double what you wish. After a thought he says he's got it. My first wish is i want a million dollars. Genie. your wish has been granted and every black person now has 2 million dollars. Man. Ok my second wish i want 10 thousand acres Genie.. Granted but every black person in the world now has 20 thousand acres. And now you have but one wish
The man replies with my final wish... i wish you to beat me half to death

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Genie jokes Sick and Death Jokes Black People Jokes

Don't let worry кill you - let the church help.

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Atheist Jokes Church jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Andy and Annie are watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”
Annie has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.
Meanwhile, Andy approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown Annie says, “Andy, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”

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Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?
A: Three in the back, two in the front and the rest in the ashtray.

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Dark Humor Jokes Car and driving jokes Jewish Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.
In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.
He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.
The customer replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes Banker Jokes