Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

Eleven year old’s environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution:
"When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

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By tradition, fathers wear a red flower on Father's Day, if their father is alive and a white flower if he's dead.
And if they have a nagging wife and a house full of screaming kids, they wear a pink flower - which means they are living but wish they were dead.

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Father's Day Jokes Kids Jokes Make My Day Laughs Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.
"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then кill them.

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Military Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: How did the wanna-be-hipster die?
A: Trying to cross the mainstream!

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Hipster Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water.
Are you scared of water?
Well you should be.
400,000 people drown per year.

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Sick and Death Jokes

A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday.
"From what I hear about your aim," said the Pastor, "It's a sin for you to hunt anytime."

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Hunting Jokes Religion jokes Priest Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says:
"Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Неll and is let in.Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Неll, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Sатаn up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Неll?"Sатаn replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."Sатаn says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."Sатаn laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Judge and Court Jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Lawyer Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sеx until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked.
"You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A bus carrying nuns crashes over a cliff , all are killed!
They all line up at the pearly gates and ST peter stands there with his book.
He calls the first nun up and says "Have you ever touched a реnis" ,she replies
"I only ever touched one with my index finger."
He says "Well give one hеll mary and dip your finger in the holly water and go throught the gates."
He calls the second nun and says "have you ever touched a реnis."
She replies "I did touch one once with my left hand."
He says "well give three hеll marys dip your hand in the holly water and go through the gate."
Next thing a nuns comes running through all the othere nuns knocking this over and pushing all the othere nuns out of the way.
ST Peter says "What's all the hurry?"
The nun replies "Well I would like to gargle before sister mary dips her аrsе in the holly water."

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Religion jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had SЕX with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What's the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.

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Tax jokes Political Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by?
The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."
The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?"
The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"

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Blonde Jokes Jokes about Women Beauty Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A Serb and an Albanian from Kosovo found a lamp, rubbed it and the Ginnie showed up in front of them.
"I will grant you three wishes for setting me free out of this lamp. But, since there are two of you, one can have two wishes and the other only one".
A Serb said: "I am very modest, I'll have one wish. Let my Albanian friend have two".
"What is your first wish?", the Ginnie asked Albanian.
"I wish that there are no Serbs in Kosovo at all any more".
"Done", said the Ginnie.
" What is your second wish?"
"I wish that whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall, so no more Serbs can return ever again".
" Done", said the Ginnie.
"Now you", sad the Ginnie to a Serb, "What is that you wish?".
A Serb was thinking for a moment, than asked the Ginnie: "Are there realy no more Serbs in Kosovo at all?".
"That's right", said the Ginnie.
"And whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall?", a Serb asked again.
"It certainly is. All around. Not even a fly could enter it now", the Ginnie replied.
Then Serb said: "OK, now fill it up with water""

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Nationality Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Genie jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.

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Science jokes Chemistry Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Nerd jokes Restaurant Jokes

Old man: "Can you give me an еrестiоn?"
Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."

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Old People Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Two friends meet each other on the street.”Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.”
Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery.
I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid.
”I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face scratched all over?”.
”It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hеll of a fight!”

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Mother-in-Law Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
"I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week.
So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sеx and they all agree to it.
This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.
Each man gets sеx every fifth week and the woman gets to have sеx whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful.
It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"

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Dark Humor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes