Women - Page 76

I heard women find men in long-term relationships more attractive than men who are single so I’ve decided to move into a 1 bedroom apartment with my mum.

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This undergraduate was very attracted to a charming and delightful woman in one of his classes. She was bright, witty, good looking, and very friendly. She also was in a wheelchair because she’d lost both legs in an accident.
This proved to be no real barrier, however; this was one formidable woman whether she had legs or not. The young man asked her out on a date and she accepted.
They had a wonderful evening together, and they were most attracted to one another. When he brought her home, one thing led to another in the seat of the car, but she stopped him just at a crucial moment and said, “Wait, I’ve got an idea that will make it better for both of us. See that elm tree over there? Let me hang from that lower branch while we do it.”
He was amazed not only at her upper body strength, but also at how good the sеx was.
“What an incredible fсuк”, he thought. Afterward, he brought her wheelchair over and gently took her down and wheeled her up to the house. As he was preparing to go, however, he saw her father standing on the porch.
“Young man, I want you to know that I saw everything you did with my daughter.”
“You did?”
“Yes. And, I want to thank you.”
“You do?”
“Yes. Every other guy she’s brought home has left her hanging in the dамn tree!”

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A man goes into a pub and asks the landlord if he has entertainment in the pub. The landlord said yes why? The man said well i write my own songs and I sing them whilst playing the piano and wondered if you were willing to give me a try. The landlord said ok we’ve got a piano. Turn up in two Saturdays time and I will give it a shot. So on the Saturday the man turns up to a packed pub. The landlord introduces him and he makes a start. The man said this is one of the first songs I wrote its called ” I’m going to fсuк my sister up the аrsе”. So he sings the song and the audience love it. The man is getting warmed up now and says this ones called ” my girlfriends рiss tastes like wine” so he does the number with rapturous applause. After he sang the next number which was called ” I like to wаnк on a Sunday” he noticed a very attractive girl in the audience and he could see up her skirt and was getting a bit of an еrестiоn. So he says I’m just going to take a 5 minute break. He rushed into the toilet and wanks off and rushes back. Just as he was about to start the next number a woman shouted out do you know ” there is sрunк running down your trousers”. He said ” know it I fсuкing wrote it”

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Two women are discussing their love lives
Jo says:
“I have to be careful not to get pregnant.”
Jenny looks confused. “But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy.”
“He did.” says Jo. “That’s why I need to be extra careful.”

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Jokes about Women Cheating Jokes

There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get кinкy with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special. The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.” The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!” The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a вееr. Then he plops down on the couch and says, 'Hey Batman! Where the fuск is dinner?!?'"

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Why’s a fат woman like a skateboard?
They’re both fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on one.

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This morning on I- 95, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. … …
…
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. ….
….
As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. … …
…
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the dамn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call. …
…
Damn women drivers!

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What does an old woman have that a young woman doesn't?
A belly button between her воовs.

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How big is a Republican-size bed?
Wide enough for the man, the woman, and the ten-foot pole.

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He: So then, what's your sign?
She: Dollar.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes

For all those men who say, “Why buy the соw when you can get the milk for free”.
Here’s an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire
Pig, just to get a little sausage…

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shiт.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes

On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question.
One simple question stood between her and the Ł1.000 prize.
"To be today's champion," the show's host smiled, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The blonde gave a sigh of relief because she had been given such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!'"
"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Christmas Jokes

Two women apply for the same office job.
One is straight out of university and has a degree in business and the other one has been doing the same job for a different company for three years and has a wealth of knowledge and experience. Which one gets the job?
The one with the biggest тiтs, of course.

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Every woman’s magazine:
Page 8: Accept yourself for who you are
Page 15: How to lose 2 stone in a week
Page 16: Best cake recipe

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

A middle-aged woman reads that vaginas get wider and deeper with age. So she tries to check her own by stripping off, putting a mirror on the floor and spreading her legs over it.
Suddenly, her husband comes in and grabs her arm, violently pulling her away from where the mirror is laying.
“You could have broken my arm!” she shouts at him.
He points at the mirror and says “But if you’d fallen down that hole, you would have broken your neck.”

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Jokes about Women Sarcasm Jokes

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position
1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and... Oops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down.

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While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hеll are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've sсrеwеd everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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My female science teacher was gloating about how scientists have discovered a way to make stem-cells develop into working sемеn.
She was telling our class that the human race no longer needed men.
I laughed at her and said;
“Okay, with no men, where the fuск are you going to get a scientist?”

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A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"

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