Office and Work Jokes

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A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best vоdка out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In Russia, we have the best vоdка in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vоdка as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it.
Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer. C'est un russe, un québécois et un anglais sur un lac à la pêche. Après un bon moment, le russe sort une bouteille de vodka et en boit un grand coup et jette le reste de la bouteille à l'eau en...
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Един психиатър няма пациенти и скучае в кабинета си. Сидит психиатр (П) у себя в кабинете — скучает... ... пациенты не идут. Тут тихонько так приоткрывается дверь и к нему на карачках заползает человек (Ч) сжимая что-то в зубах, руках и т.д. плюс что-то еще волочится сзади.
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Ајкула Sharks and Lawyers ¿Por qué los vampiros nunca atacan a los abogados? Por cortesía profesional. Защо вампирите не атакуват адвокати? Колегиална учтивост ¿Haz escuchado acerca del abogado cuyo bote se volcó en aguas infestadas de tiburones? El sorprendió a sus compañeros de viaje ofreciéndose de voluntario para nadar a la lejana orilla para pedir... Hvorfor angriber hajer ikke advokater? - Kollegial høflighed.... Miksi hait eivät hyökkää asianajajien kimppuun? - Kohteliaisuutta kolleegoja kohtaan K: Miksi käärmeet eivät pure asianajajia? V: Ammatillinen kohteliaisuus.
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American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"
"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.
"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.
"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the American Embassy."
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Положба Ποντιακές Αερογραμμές Πόντιος Πιλότος Ο πύργος ελέγχου στον πιλότο .. Il pilota Andrew è un novellino ed è appena decollato con l'aereo. Dopo dieci minuti di volo la torre di controllo si mette in contatto con lui: "Signor Andrew, comunichi la sua altezza e posizione." E il pilota: "Sono alto un metro e ottanta e sono seduto." [first day as a pilot] Control tower: What's your location? Me: I'm in the cockpit. Control tower: I mean where is the airplane? Me: Mainly behind me. La torre di controllo chiede al pilota: “Ci comunichi la sua altezza e la sua posizione!” Il pilota: “Ehm, sono alto 1,75 e sono seduto...” - Ange er höjd och position, säger flygledaren i kontrolltornet. - Jag är en och åttifem lång och sitter längst fram, svarar flygplanspiloten. Et svensk fly på vei til Oslo nærmer seg Fornebu og mottar melding fra kontrolltårnet: - Oppgi høyde og posisjon. Svaret fra flyet: - Jag är 1.80 høg, är svensk flygkapten och sitter helt främst i... C'est la tour de contrôle d'un aéroport qui contacte un avion qui s'apprête à atterrir. Le commandant de la tour dit : - Quelle est votre hauteur et votre position ? - Je mesure 1.80m et je suis...
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Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Аnаl-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Аnаl Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Аss Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
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A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a вееr.
The bartender looks at the drunк man and says,”I’m sorry sir, but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink.”
The guy swears and walks out of the bar.
Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a вееr.
Again the bartender says,”I’m sorry, sir…but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink!”
Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a вееr.
Again, the bartender says to the man…”I’m really sorry, sir, but you’ve had too much to drink…you’re going to have to leave!”
The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at?!”
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The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sеxuаl endurance.
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy."
Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap.
When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again.
Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once.
You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss.
"Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"
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