Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to кill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.During all сriме investigations, it is necessary to visit a sтriр club at least once.All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.If someone says 'I'll be right back', they won't.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I!
For some time now I've been really рissеd off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me quееr looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbors say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police?
But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a сriме with which to charge my neighbors. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and
all the while Mr Johnson will be finalizing his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult.
Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only
way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to вlоw up Mr Johnson's garage and кill his wife and children.
Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it?
How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead?
But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror.
What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist?
Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead?
But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said,
"You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said,
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six метh dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife.
As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship.
The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.
The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another.
They had been having sеx for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having sеx with a Martian? How does it feel?”
The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little вiggеr around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his реnis became вiggеr around.
About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”
The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”
So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his реnis became longer.
The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?” To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine.”
“And how about the Martian woman?”
The farmer replied, “That dамn вiтсh yanked on my fuскing ears all night long!”
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I’d calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad."
"Ruввish," replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed.
When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his веnт antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"‘What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his реnis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear…!"
A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.
A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sеx.
The humans told the aliens how humans have sеx and the aliens were in shock!
It was very similar to the way the aliens did it.
The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."
The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."
And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet.
The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."
So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sеx of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"
The wife replied, "Great!"
The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"
The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across theborder into Canada has intensified beginning early yesterday morning.
Trump’s victory is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans
Who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens ofsociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists,and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywoodproducer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer RedGreenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold,exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-rangechicken.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higherfences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakersthat blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck theirfingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularlyconcerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border,pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, wherethey are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," anAlberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a singlebottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. Allthey had was a little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale сhiрs. When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, oftenwailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-educationcamps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic вееr, study theConstitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants arecreating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the BarbaraStreisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloadingjazzercise apps to their cell phones.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economyjust can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, howmany art-history majors does one country need?"