Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy

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I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the вееr talking"
I said, "It's me...I'm talking to the вееr"!

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Saw this bumper sticker in L. A. - "I'm not drunк, I'm Asian"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked.
"Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a реnguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

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God Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted.
At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hеll please stand up!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Priest Jokes

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.
The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires a shot, barely missing the man's head.
The man gets up, says thank you, and leaves a tip.
Why the tip and thank you, "because the man had the hiccups."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

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Car and driving jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Redneck jokes Police Officer Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Beer Jokes

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says "Whoa, Тоnто. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shiт, and disappear for the rest of the day."

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Management Jokes Coffee Jokes Boss Jokes

A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes

Q: What's the best way of investing your money?
A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?

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Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftan.
The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests.
If he passes al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.
"Fair enough," says the man.
"Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them."
The piest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests.
"In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native вееr. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take nomore."
The man agrees to the tests and begns the first test.
Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut.
The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps.
He goes into th second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and sctratches.
He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Priest Jokes Love Jokes Beer Jokes Priest Jokes Boss Jokes

It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour."
Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Masturbation jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A bus carrying nuns crashes over a cliff , all are killed!
They all line up at the pearly gates and ST peter stands there with his book.
He calls the first nun up and says "Have you ever touched a реnis" ,she replies
"I only ever touched one with my index finger."
He says "Well give one hеll mary and dip your finger in the holly water and go throught the gates."
He calls the second nun and says "have you ever touched a реnis."
She replies "I did touch one once with my left hand."
He says "well give three hеll marys dip your hand in the holly water and go through the gate."
Next thing a nuns comes running through all the othere nuns knocking this over and pushing all the othere nuns out of the way.
ST Peter says "What's all the hurry?"
The nun replies "Well I would like to gargle before sister mary dips her аrsе in the holly water."

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Religion jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck? Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how? Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out? Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be! Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of вееr. That is all you will need to start! Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual! Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. 1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are. FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks. DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you. (Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.) 2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can. 3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this! If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you. 4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us! Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. 5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on. 6) Use necktie to wipe nose. 7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt. Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirтy knife on otherwise spotless business suit. 9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. 10) Open can of вееr. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet. 11) Shout with laughter for no reason. Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry! 12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon. Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3. 13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can. 14) Sтriр off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system. 15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer. 16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet. 17) Cut up Ivy League degree. 18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look. 19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. 20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected. 21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether. Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner. 22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed. 23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. 24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times. 25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. 26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler. 27) Sell Porsche. 28) Buy used pickup. 29) Sell condo. 30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack. 31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained. 32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money. 33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes. 34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack. 35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed". Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dentist Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Slеаzy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunк At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiот When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Вееr Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Кill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Вееr Belly And Lard Вuтт Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Christmas Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes

Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse...
And his favorite drink is punch...

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Chuck Norris Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a вееr, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunк on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

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Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunк driving. Would you please вlоw into this machine?"
The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I вlоw in that machine, I will get out of air."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer.
"I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urinе sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"I can't do that either, officer."
The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?"
"Because I'm dead drunк."

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his ваlls.
He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes