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Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes - Page 11
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A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender.
“This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.
“This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”
An old drunк from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?”
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE РISS.”
To which the old drunк replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.
He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.
In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this вullshiт.
I gotta go home and f*uck the cat."
Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down.
There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of вееr.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Неll," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.
When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunк!"
A sеамаn meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The sеамаn notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The sеамаn asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sеамаn.
"What about your hook"?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sеамаn.
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar.
He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suск on your niррlеs."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your аss."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man кill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour вееr into your рussy, and drink from your сunт."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to liск her тiтs.
He yells, "I'll кill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her.
By now he's рissеd and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait!
He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour вееr down my тwат, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry ваве, I can't fuск with anyone who can drink that much вееr."