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American Presidents Humor
A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, " What is a tragedy?"
One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, “if my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy.” Bill Clinton replies, “That would be an accident, not a tragedy.” A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, “If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy.” Bill Clinton replies once again with: “That would be a great loss, not a tragedy.” All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says “If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"
"Yes!” Says Bill Clinton “How do you know?” Matthew says happily, “It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!”
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”
Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were one a falling airplane.
Their were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” The little boy says, “actually their are two, you see, Donald Trump took my backpack.”
An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....
Smiling, happy, the engineer says,
"Bartender, shots for everyone!"
The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"
The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"
The bartender deploys the drinks to everyone around the smoky bar, the newcomers raise their glasses, and everyone drinks.
The scientist and the engineer then pay their substantial tab, leave a generous tip, and pull away in a Tesla. Naturally, everyone is a bit confused about what just happened, but before long everyone gets back to NASCAR, NFL, Fox, country music, cigarettes, cheap вееr, Trump, and arguing about Ford versus Chevy.
While the engineer sets the car to autopilot, the scientist pulls up this very joke, half composed, on his iPad, and with furrowed brow says,
"We still need a punch line."
The engineer nods in affirmation, and says,
"Look in the rear view mirror."
He looks. The small dive bar recedes into the darkness as the Tesla picks up speed, rapidly and silently.
"They don't even remember us. We worked our аssеs off, moved away to the city, competed with the brightest kids from around the globe, earned advanced degrees, and now we challenge global warming by designing advanced battery systems for electric cars. We have made a fortune along the way. I am 28. You are 29. Those townies will live and die back there. By choice. 14 mile per gallon trucks. Shiт вееr. Staying, sitting, stewing, and waiting for progress to come to them.
"There's your f-ing punch line."
So a Cowboy is on the run from the Native Americans...
He is pursued by the whole tribe, and only has one bullet left in his gun. He rides forth and thinks to himself, "That's it, I am fuскеd."
Suddenly the Angel comes down from Heavens and tells him, "You ain't 'fuскеd' just yet; go hide in that bush." The Cowboy promptly hides in the bush, his adversaries are initially distraught but then the Sharp Eye, the chief's eldest son, spots him and continues the chase."
"I am truly fuскеd now," says the Cowboy to himself; but the Angel intercedes again, saying "You ain't truly fuскеd just yet, go hide in the cave." He follows the Angel's advise, but the Sharp Eye and his henchmen find him again and continue the pursuit.
Finally, his stallion gives up on him, the tribe surrounds him and the Cowboy thinks, "Well, at last, I am truly fuскеd." The Angel then appears and says,
"No, you ain't fuскеd just yet, you have one last bullet, кill the Chief's son." Cowboy takes out his gun and kills the Sharp Eye, chief's son.
"Well, *now* you're truly fuскеd," says the Angel.
A young achiever recently graduated from university and is in the process of interviewing for her first "real" job. She made it past the preliminaries with one of her preferred employers and was invited to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with her potential boss. Naturally, she arrives early to make sure that the reservations are in order and to see if anything can be done to make the occasion a standout.
Well, what do you know, there's a celebrity in the restaurant: reality TV star, real estate mogul, and Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump. The young woman, who happens to be attractive, boldly walks up to his table and says,
"Mr Trump, I know this is very forward of me, but I'm a huge admirer. My family has donated to your campaign and we've all turned out for your rallies. I'm having an interview in this restaurant in a few minutes and it would make such a good impression if you dropped by my table and said hello."
Trump, mellow with good food and drink, and charmed by her appearance and enthusiasm agrees to do her this favour. Soon the young woman is chatting with her potential boss and mentor over their meals. On his way out, Trump stops by and greets the young woman like an old friend. She rolls her eyes, gives an exasperated sigh, and says,
"Fuск off, Don, we're trying to eat."
