Animal Jokes - Page 7

A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”
The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the sтuрid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.
“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

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Yo mama so ugly, even goldfish don't smile back.

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Yo Momma Jokes Animal Jokes Ugly Jokes

Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A:Mmmm, sandwiches!

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Animal Jokes

We must admit that we want to be like some animals.
We all want to be strong like a bear, we want to have a sharp sight like a falcon, the intelligence like an owl, the endurance like a horse, we want to sing like a skylark, we want to be running like a fox and of course we all want to have the salivas like a dragon lizard.

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes

Why did the соw cross the road?
So he could pass the milkyway.

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Animal Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A Girl was toweling her wet рussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until...
...the рussy cried "Meow" and runs away.
Moral Lessons
1. Be kind to Animals
2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Sex Jokes

I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

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Pet Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Birthday Jokes

The man comes home drunken but he goes to the piggery instead of the house.
He lies down, he takes a look at the pig, caresses it and says: "Oh, it's you, darling, nакеd again?"

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

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Aviation Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Dog jokes

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the diск goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

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Police Officer Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Christmas Jokes

Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Yours sincerely,
The CAT

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Animal Jokes Weather jokes Dog jokes

Dog rules
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it's yours.

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Animal Jokes Dog jokes

What do you call a реnguin in the desert?
Lost!

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Animal Jokes

Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A: A firequaker!

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Animal Jokes

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

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News and Politics Jokes Animal Jokes

The friend of my mother has taken look at the photo on which I was and has said:
"yeah, the stepfather of Johny is a real expert of breeding of meaty pig types."

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Communication Jokes

What is a French cat's favorite dessert?
Chocolate mousse.

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Animal Jokes Chocolate Jokes

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure.
Chuck Norris goes killing.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Animal Jokes Hunting Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

KFC in Asia?
Korean fried cat.

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Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes

Q: What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?
A: Hoppalong Cassidy.

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Animal Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes