Jokes about Banks and Bankers

Why are Irish bankers so successful?
Because their capital's always Dublin.

3 0

The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS’s office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I’m a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I’ll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I’ll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn’t see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that’s not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I’ll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and рiss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that’s impossible you’ve got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he’s laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what’s wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could рiss on your desk and you’d just love it.

2 0

Banker Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dog jokes

Q: How did the paladin start losing weight?
A: He was eating light
Q: How does a druid cut his hair?
A: Eclipse it
Q: Why didn't the undead cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts
Q: How many Blizzard developers does it take to get an expansion right?
A: Nobody knows because it hasn't been done yet.
Q: How do you stop a Warrior from charging?
A: You take away his credit card!
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A Pandaren after a bloodbath.
Q: What do you call three resto druids?
A: A treesome
Q: Why wasn't deathwing invited to any parties?
A: He was dragon everyone down.
Q: How many rogues does it take to кill a paladin?
A: Two. One to start the fight, the other to wait at the inn
Q: How come people get lost in Thunder Bluff?
A: Because the layout makes a real mesa things.
Q: What do you call a resto druid in the Brawlers Guild?
A: A combat log!
Q: Where does Ragnaros go for his back treatments?
A: The pyro-practor
Q: What do you call it when you lend money to a Taunka?
A: A buffaloane
Q: How many Blizz Devs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, ""the lightbulb is working as intended.""
Q: Why did the raid wipe on Terrace?
A: Because they took tsulong to кill the boss.
Q: What do you call a tauren rogue?
A: Invisibull!
Q: What do you call a Draenei in major lore?
A: Non-existent!
Q: What is the sound a GM makes when answering a ticket?
A: I don't know, but I will tell in 37 days when I get a response.

2 0

Military Jokes Banker Jokes World of Warcraft jokes Boss Jokes

Alcohol is a very effective dissolving agent.
It dissolves families, marriages, friendships, jobs, bank accounts and neurons, but never problems.

1 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Banker Jokes

Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE НЕLL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago.

1 0

Computer Jokes Facebook Jokes Banker Jokes

A successful London banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 999.
The police were there in a couple of minutes. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again.
After the banker finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you finance guys are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions, you don't care about anything else!"
"How can you say that?" asked the banker, angrily.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been completely torn off from when the bus hit you!" The banker looked down in absolute horror.
"Вlооdy Неll!" he screamed... "Where's my Rolex!?"

1 0

Money jokes Banker Jokes

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

1 0

Banker Jokes Boycott Jokes

Some people at a university operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments where students could buy ready-made work. There were papers to suit all needs. The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay.

A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor.

Soon, the student received the paper back with the professor's comments, which read, "I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"

1 0

Office and Work Jokes School Jokes College jokes Banker Jokes

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there' ..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'

1 0

Jokes about Women Banker Jokes BMW jokes Restaurant Jokes

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

1 0

Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes One-Liner Jokes Banker Jokes

A guy is bankrupt so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can.so the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A рrоsтiтuте walks by and says I’ll f–ck you for $10. The boy says I would but I don’t have any money. She says ok I’ll take the duck instead. He says ok so they go up stairs and f—ck. The рrоsтiтuте says that’s the best sеx I’ve ever had. I’ll give you the duck back and we can do it again. So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says well I got a f—ck for a duck, a duck for a f—ck, and $25 for a f—cked up fuск.

1 0

Animal Jokes Banker Jokes Prostitute Jokes

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up

1 0

Banker Jokes

Bank machines charge you $1.99 to get your own cash, but tell you to cover your pin so nobody robs you, talk about double fuскin standards

1 0

Banker Jokes

Worried about an IRS audit?
Avoid what’s called a red flag.
That’s something the IRS always looks for.
For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.

1 0

Banker Jokes Tax jokes

A frog goes into a bank “What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.
“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.
“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.
The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What kind of loan are you in the market for?” asks the Loan Officer.
“Any loan will do” says the frog “I want to buy a Lilly pad.”
“I see.” says the Loan Officer “Well, in order to apply for a loan, I first need to know your name. What is your name?”
“My first name is Kermit” answers the frog.
“Your first name is Kermit?” asks the Loan Officer.
“Correct,” answers the frog “and my last name is Jagger”.
“Your name is Kermit Jagger?” The Loan Officer asks incredulously.
“Correct,” says the frog “my mother was a frog and my father is Мiск Jagger.”
“I see” says the Loan Officer “Well, in order to secure a loan, the bank needs some type of collateral. Do you have any real estate, bonds, precious metals, etc?”
“No,” answers the frog “all I have is this.” The frog produces a miniature, pink elephant and holds it up to her face.
Flustered, the Loan Officer (whose first name is Patty) snatches it from the frog and storms off to the Bank Managers office.
“Sir!” she says as she barrages into his office “there’s a frog out there who wants a loan for a Lilly pad, and he says his name is Kermit Jagger.”
“Kermit Jagger?” Asks the Bank Manager.
“Yes,” she says “his mother was a frog and his father is Мiск Jagger. Anyway, all he has for collateral is this tiny, pink elephant thing. I don’t even know what this is!” The Bank Manager exclaims:
“That’s a Knick-Knack, Patty Whack, give that frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

1 0

Banker Jokes Real estate jokes Boss Jokes

A group of wealthy gentlemen were sitting at a luncheon arguing over who made the most money...
Man #1 says "I am the wealthiest man here. I am a banker. Every month, I make a handsome profit in the interests on all my loans at once."
Man #2 says "Ah, but I own the operations of a massive oil production. I never even have to work and every quarter my profits triple because demand is so great."
Man #3 laughs and says "I am clearly the richest person here. I own the pieces of land you both use to run your businesses. I own the most important real estate in cities across the country."
Finally they looked upon the last man who they hadn't recognized. One of the men asked "My good sir, what do you do? Are you richer than any of us?"
The man reached into his wallet and took out small pictures and handed them to each of the other men. They began to shuffle uncomfortably.
"But sir," one of them began to say, "Why do you have pictures of our wives in your possession?"
The 4th man replied "I run an alimony enterprise, and those women are some of my best workers."

1 0

Banker Jokes Real estate jokes

A frog goes into a bank to ask for a loan. As he walks up to the teller he sees her nameplate reads Patty Black. The frog asks for a loan of fifty thousand dollars to build a beautiful new home on prime real estate, a lily pad in the best part of the pond. The bank teller says that in order to secure a loan of that amount he would need something of great value to use as collateral. The frog pulls out a beautiful old ash tray, covered in decorative carvings. The bank teller, not sure if this is sufficient, goes to ask her manager if they can accept the ash tray as collateral. After glancing at it the bank manager looks back at her, asking if she's serious. It's what the frog gave me sir, she replies. The manager sighs and says, it's a knick knack patty black, give the frog a loan.

1 0

Banker Jokes Real estate jokes Boss Jokes

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.
They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be alone start sunbathing, talking about their lives (most of the talk being complaints), and simply having a good time.
One of the guys decides, he wants to build a sandcastle, because, why the hеll not. He starts digging up some sand, and asks his best friends to help him out. They start digging, and finally, one of them exclaims:
“Guys! look! Its a lamp!” The guys looked at each other and instantly knew what to do: all three of them simultaneously gave the lamp three rubs.
Suddenly *рооf* a genie came out of the bottle! The three guys felt like this trip just couldn’t get any better.
The genie, in the most Will Smith voice possible says:
“you three, you have freed me! I shall give each one of you three wishes as a sign of my gratitude!” The first guy instantly responds:
“i want health for myself, and my entire family.” And the genie grants his wish.
The second guy responds:
“i want the same thing, seems like a good idea. However, if you could add upon that that all current illnesses, genetic or otherwise would disappear, it would be great.” The genie replies “yeahhh sure” and *рооf* his wish is granted The third guy said he needed a while to think. After about 30 minutes, he exclaimed:
“ive got it! I want my right hand to spin clockwise until I die!” The genie, dumbfounded, asks “are you sure?” And the third man simply said “yes, 100%” and his wish was granted.
The first guy then said “its my turn again! I want to be wealthy enough to buy anything i’d ever want, and i want to see proof of it.” The genie granted his wish and *рооf* a phone appeared in his hand showing the first guy’s bank statement. $10 Billion dollars have been deposited on his bank account.
The second guy, agreeing to his logic, said “i also want money. But i’d rather have it in physical goods, like houses, or gold bars” *рооf* another phone appears showing a page with all the real estate and investments that the second guy now owned, all worth around 10 billion dollars too.
The third guy, having thought about this thoroughly throughout the last few minutes, simply said “i would like my left hand to spin counter-clockwise until i die” the genie thinks to himself, this man MUST have a plan with all this. And simply grants his wish.
Back to the first guy. He now wished for him, and all his loved ones to be immortal, and to stay at the age of 35 until they decide, on their own terms, that its time for them to leave this planet. The genie, granted his wish just like all the other ones before him.
The second guy, who we now know is the least creative of the bunch mutters nothing else but “same”. And the genie grants his wish too.
The third guy however, was still thinking. His left and right hand spinning in opposite directions he shouted:
“i want my head to rock back and forth as if i was on a rock concert until i die!” At this point the genie didn’t even care anymore and just said “aight man, whatever”.
The men, all happy with their wishes decided to meet up again in ten years to discuss their lives.
They met up in Monaco, one coming on his yacht, the second on his private jet, both with beautiful wives and kids, and sat down at a table in the most expensive restaurant in town. The third guy then arrived, his hands still spinning and his head still rocking back and forth, almost knocking over the table. He apologised and they began talking about their lives. The first and second guy are so happy with their new lives that they have tears streaming down their cheeks. They talked about the wonderful houses theyve built, the investments theyve made, and the vacations theyve had. Suddenly they realised that the third guy hasnt said a word. They ask him, “what about you? Hows your life? How did your wishes work out for you?” And he looks at them, a tear rolling down his eyelid and says “guys, i think i fuскеd up”

1 0

Pilot Jokes Military Jokes Aviation Jokes Banker Jokes Real estate jokes Restaurant Jokes Superhero Jokes

A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The ole cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and safely parked it.
Two weeks later, the ole cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

1 0

Military Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Banker Jokes Real estate jokes

An old lady goes into a bank...
Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"
She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her request to be allowed to open an account, and the manager explains that they very rarely take new customers, and she would need to have at least a million pounds in investable assets, not including real estate. (r/theydidtheresearch) But she says that is not a problem as she has over a million pounds in cash on her, and hands over a briefcase.
While the manager delegates the task of counting the money to an underling, he asks how she comes by so much cash. "Oh, I make bets," she says. "For instance, I am willing to bet £50,000 that by lunchtime on Monday your testicles will have turned square."
The manager, of course, takes the bet at once, and on learning that the briefcase did indeed hold over a million pounds, he gives his approval for her account to be opened. She bids him a good day and makes an appointment to see him again at noon the following Monday.
When she returns she is accompanied by a smartly dressed man, and explains to the manager that this is her lawyer, whom she has brought along as a witness. The bank manager smiles and says that he can understand this, but she is going to find she is out of luck. "Well, maybe," she says,
"But considering the money involved, I'm sure you'll agree that I am entitled to put you to the test."
She takes a large tablespoon from her handbag and says "Be so kind as to drop your trousers and underpants, please," and when he does so she cups his sсrотuм in the tablespoon and sighs sorrowfully. Meanwhile however her lawyer has begun silently ваnging his head on the bank manager's desk.
"Oh dear," says the manager, a little patronisingly, "I fear my learned friend is dismayed at your reckless gambling away of your wealth."
"Oh no," says the old lady, "it's just that last Thursday I bet him a hundred thousand pounds that I'd have your ваlls in a tablespoon before the banks shut on Monday."

1 0

Banker Jokes Lawyer Jokes Real estate jokes Boss Jokes