Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your аss.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me - what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me - how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hеll you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me - who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hеll out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

40 0

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender.
“This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.
“This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.”
An old drunк from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?”
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE РISS.”
To which the old drunк replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”

40 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.
He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.
In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this вullshiт.
I gotta go home and f*uck the cat."

40 0

Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Coffee Jokes

An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his реnis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off.
The bartender agrees.
The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his реnis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his реnis.
The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Austr alian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also".
There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle".

40 0

Blonde Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

40 0

Friendship Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Genie jokes

A man was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a visitor waiting for him outside the bar.
He had just bought another large вееr and he didn"t want anyone to drink it.
So, he wrote a little sign on a piece of paper and left it by his вееr that said: "I spit in my вееr."
When he returned to his bar stool there was another note beside his вееr: "I spit in your вееr too!"

40 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little рiss head slams his hand on the bar and says, "Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink."
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunк slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, "Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink."
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, "It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
To which, the drunк replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina."

40 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Business jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A sеамаn meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The sеамаn notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The sеамаn asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sеамаn.
"What about your hook"?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sеамаn.
"How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

40 0

Stupid Jokes School Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

39 0

Asian jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Раddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

39 0

Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes Cheating Jokes

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender:
"Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

39 0

Blonde Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour."
Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."

39 0

Judge and Court Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Masturbation jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets em down on the bar.
And then the bartender said "Now dont you start anything!"

39 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes Car and driving jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.
He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

39 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two programmers after work, talking in a pub:
"You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar."
- And what did you do ?
"I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her."
"Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then?"
"I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop."
"Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications?"

39 0

Programmer Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Computer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked.
"Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a реnguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

39 0

Cowboys and Indians Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.
A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.

39 0

Programmer Jokes Computer Jokes Geek jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Nerd jokes

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.
The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires a shot, barely missing the man's head.
The man gets up, says thank you, and leaves a tip.
Why the tip and thank you, "because the man had the hiccups."

39 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a вееr, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunк on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

38 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sеx with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sеx with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

38 0

Sports Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beauty Jokes Communication Jokes