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A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,
I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde вiмво sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, “Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.
But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be suскеd into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!”
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, “I think I’m the most beautiful of us three” and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said “I think I’m the most talented of us three” and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, “I think…” and was promptly suскеd into the mirror.
===========
Finally, it was Ned the Mailman’s last day.
As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.
But at the next house he was greeted by a sеxy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. Ned certainly didn’t mind.
She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns. Ned was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.
Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything…but…what’s the dollar for?”
“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Sсrеw him! give him a dollar!”
She beamed at him. “The breakfast part was my idea! ”
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a sтuрid answer.”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play торlеss." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."
Not a joke but a good read…
The first part is a girl’s email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. The second is his hilarious reply…
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a sтuрid thing. I can handle you being рissеd at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t сrаск a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and sтuрid, I can’t imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L! ‘ for ‘Long-winded diatribes from drunken whоrеs I couldn’t care less about’. You did a sтuрid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a ‘Sтuрid thing’ as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying ‘Well, I didn’t fuск him’ somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world ‘looked funny’ to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around вlоw dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill сuм-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child роrn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.
Talk to you never,
Brad