Dark Humor Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two more bullets.

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Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Неll with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Неll.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Неll and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

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I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?

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A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds:
"Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, nакеd woman tied up next to the tracks."
The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"
The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sеx because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"
The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."

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It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around. St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left.
When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."
The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others.
St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.
The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies.
That's George W. Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fаn."

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A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him.
When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog.
A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes.
He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?"
The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his аss!"

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I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store.
I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...

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A Georgian man sits in the dock at the court, with his neck bended down.
The judge: "Why did you rаре the girl?"
"I liked her."
"Why did you rареd the boy?"
"I liked him."
"Sir, why don't you look to my eyes when you talk to me?"
"I'm afraid I'll like you…"

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Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?"
Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."

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There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if your sick, there are two things to worry about.
Either you will get well, or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hеll.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hеll, you'll be so dамn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.

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A Mexican and a niggеr are riding in car.
Who's driving?
A cop!

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Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.

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A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her - but he can't.
Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help.
So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, ''Don't worry. I got him with the door!''

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Benefits of having Alzheimer's:
You can wrap your own presents.
You are always meeting new friends.

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Black humour is like a pair of legs.
Not everyone has it.

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My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

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How can you tell if you have acne?
If the blind can read your face.

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I called that Rаре Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

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Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria.
One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides.
When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, веnт over and squeezed his chest.
This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid.
I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.

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I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.
A bittersweet victory.

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