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Dark Humor Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”.
Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.
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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds:
"Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, nакеd woman tied up next to the tracks."
The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"
The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sеx because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"
The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."
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Копеле, вървя си вчера и кво да видя C’est deux copains qui discutent dans un bar. Вчера спас девушку, лежащую на рельсах. A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Un homme croise un ami dans la rue : An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face. "What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord. "Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !" "Did you get a blow job ?" asks the landlord.... There's some soldiers in Vietnam. And they've been pinned down in their trench for days. Finally one guy says,"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, I'll run into the bushes. When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back." So they lay... 2 Lokführer unterhalten sich. Sagt der eine: "Du, gestern ist mir was tolles passiert. Ich fahr so durch die Nacht und auf einmal sehe ich eine nackte Frau auf den Schienen liegen ... Ich hab den... Een lelijke kerel komt een bar binnen met een enorme grijns op zijn gezicht. “Waarom ben jij zo blij?” vraagt de barman. “Nou”, antwoordt de man, “ik woon vlakbij de spoorlijn en bij thuiskomst... Un homme rentre de son footing et raconte sa journée à un ami. - Aujourdhui il m'est arrivé un truc de malade! - Que c'est il passé ? - Je courais le loin de la voie de chemin de fer et je vois une...
Dark Humor Jokes Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Morbid jokes
It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around. St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left.
When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."
The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others.
St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.
The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies.
That's George W. Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fаn."
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Political Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Golf jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes American Presidents Humor
A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him.
When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog.
A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes.
He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?"
The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his аss!"
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Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store.
I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
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Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes
A Georgian man sits in the dock at the court, with his neck bended down.
The judge: "Why did you rаре the girl?"
"I liked her."
"Why did you rареd the boy?"
"I liked him."
"Sir, why don't you look to my eyes when you talk to me?"
"I'm afraid I'll like you…"
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Judge and Court Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes
Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?"
Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."
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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Неll with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Неll.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Неll and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
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Умрял политик. Bill Gates im Himmel Προεκλογική εκστρατεία Ein braver Mann stirbt und kommt in den Himmel
Technology Jokes Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Beauty Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes
There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if your sick, there are two things to worry about.
Either you will get well, or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hеll.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hеll, you'll be so dамn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes
A Mexican and a niggеr are riding in car.
Who's driving?
A cop!
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Ποιός οδηγεί; Ποιός είναι ο οδηγός; Сириец, иракчанин и афганистанец се возят в кола. Кой шофира? - Негр и мексиканец едут в машине. Hay un gitano y un moro en un coche: A Mexican, a Cuban, and a Chinese guy are riding in a truck. Who's driving? Immigration. Ein Türke, ein Italiener und ein Pole sitzen zusammen in einem Auto. Wer fährt? Die Polizei Een neger en een turk zitten samen in de auto wie rijd er met de auto? -De flikken Народная Американская загадка-анекдот. - Если в машине едут негр и мексиканец, кто же управляет автомобилем? - Коп. 2 turken zitten in de auto, wie rijd? de politie. There's a black and a Mexican in a car, who's driving? The Cop En araber og en neger køre i en bilen. Hvem kører? – En betjent. En Tyrker, Kurder og Thailænder sidder i en bil… Hvem køre bilen? – Politiet To innvandrere sitter i en bil. Hvem kjører? - Politimannen som sitter foran.. Hvis to perkere og en neger sidder i en bil. Hvem kører så? – En hvid politimand. - Egy ukrán, egy cigány, és egy román ülnek egy kocsiban. Ki vezet? - Hát a rendőr!
Ethnic and Racial Jokes Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Police Officer Jokes Black People Jokes
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
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Не мога да го разбера тоя биатлон! Я вообще не понимаю, как в биатлоне можно прийти вторым, если у тебя с собой ружьё. Wieso bist du beim Biathlon zweiter? Hast doch ein Gewehr! Ich werde es nie kapieren, wie man beim Biathlon Zweiter werden kann. Man hat doch ein Gewehr.
Sports Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
Black humour is like a pair of legs.
Not everyone has it.
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Dark Humor Jokes
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
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Чапаев бил много болен и стоял на системи. La señora y el mensaje del marido der Pfarrer wars O sujeito está no hospital à beira da morte, cheio de tubos para mantê-lo em vida o máximo possível. Barzelletta "C'è un cinese in coma": Un carabiniere tampona una macchina guidata da un cinese, che sbatte la testa sul manubrio e non risponde più alle sollecitazioni. El viejo está muy enfermo. Le han colocado una bomba de oxígeno, y su hijo se halla sentado a a su lado. Lentamente, e padre agonizante habla a su hijo de toda la riqueza que le va a dejar. Le... I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn” Suddenly right in front of...
Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Asian jokes Sick and Death Jokes
How can you tell if you have acne?
If the blind can read your face.
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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
I called that Rаре Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
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Dark Humor Jokes Dirty jokes
Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria.
One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides.
When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, веnт over and squeezed his chest.
This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid.
I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.
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Friendship Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.
A bittersweet victory.
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Dark Humor Jokes Money jokes Friendship Jokes
My grandfather once told me "your generation is too reliant on technology."
So I replied "no, your generation is too reliant on technology!"
Then I disconnected his life support.
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Dark Humor Jokes Technology Jokes Old People Jokes Life Jokes Grandparent Jokes
I walked passed a burnt out building with a broken sign saying "Fireworks".
How right they were.
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Dark Humor Jokes
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