Dirty jokes

Newest jokes in this category

Q: What did I do in the bed last night.
A: Your mom.

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Q: What's worse than ants in your pants?
A: Uncle.

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Son: Dad, what does 'gаy' means?
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gаy?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

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Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I have 5 cookies, and I give you 2, how many cookies do I have left?"
Little Johnny replies, "Zero, you're giving me more than just 3 cookies. I'm taking all 5 baby!"
The teacher just facepalms herself. "I can strongly suggest that you work on your math skills Johnny." the teacher suggests.
"Oh I know math, one man plus one girl, subtract a соndом, equals a baby!" Little Johnny says.

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Yo mama аss so big your dad's diск gets lost in it.

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If we were both squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?

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Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up?
Because I'd gladly put my meat inside you.

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Wanna go on an 'ate' with me? I'll give you the 'D' later.

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Yo moma is so fат, and so nasty, when she sat down on the toilet, grown men fall out of her screaming "We're free! We're free!"

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In an African city, there was a club that all its members had long diскs.
On the other day, an European guy went to register his name in that club.
When he knocked the doorkeeper asked the guy's реnis length the guy said:
"Mine is 10 inches long"
The caretaker appeared at the door and begun laughing:
"Here isn't a suitable place for you."
The porter said,
"Look at me I 've turned three time my diск around my waist so I'm only a caretaker and you by a baby diск."

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There are a hundred holes in the body of a woman; one of them would be filled with a реnis and 99 others could be filled with money.

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your реnis reach your аsshоlе?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking вееr. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your вееr?" His grandpa replied, "Can your реnis reach your аsshоlе?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your реnis reach your аsshоlе?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuск yourself. These are my cookies!"

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A woman asks an agriculturalist:
"Please, tell me what shall I do? I have a garden but nothing grows there, like flowers or vegetables."
The agriculturalist says:
"You know, it is to dung the garden with a good fertilizer."
The woman says:
"And wouldn´t it be better to plant the vegetables directly into the аss?"

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Do you work at a cattery?
Because I wanna be covered in рussy.

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WТF? = Where's The Food?

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A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sеx on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sеx!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower. His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

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One day, a Sodomite went to his doctor's office to get an НIV blood test.
While there, his blood got drawn and he then left.
Two weeks later, he was back at his doctor's office in an examination room, waiting for the result of the НIV test.
Suddenly, his doctor walks into the examination room and says to the gаy guy, "I'm awfully sorry to tell you that the test shows that you're definitely НIV positive."
The gаy guy then asks the doctor, "So, what needs to be done now, doctor?"
The doctor says to the gаy dude, "I want you to go home, sit down at your kitchen table and eat 20 hamburgers, 20 hot dogs, 20 pizzas, 20 bags of сhiрs, and 20 gallons of ice cream."
The gаy then asks his doctor, "How's doing all that gonna help me out with my НIV, doctor?"
The doctor then replied, "It's not gonna help you out with your НIV at all but it will definitely teach you what your аsshоlе is really for."

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Yo momma is so fат, that when NASA put her on the moon, her вrеаsтs were the only things bouncing... just like on earth.

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Little Johnny walks into his parent's room one night to find them having sеx.
"Mom? What are you doing?" he asks his mom.
"Making a cake" his mom replies.
Later that week, Little Johnny walks asks his mom in the car "Were you and daddy making a cake on the couch" he asks.
"Yeah. Why?" his mom asks, confused and worried.
"Because I licked the icing off the couch! It was delicious!" he responded.

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Q: What did the реnis say to the соndом?
A: "Cover me. I'm going in."

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