Dirty jokes - Page 20

School is like a воnеr, long and hard. Unless you're Asian...

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Man gives blood too save his wifes life.
Few months later they are divorced.
Husband says too wife, "I want my blood back you B*TCH!"
Wife throws the тамроn at him and says, "I will pay you back monthly you B*STARD."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Divorce Jokes

A parrot swallows a Viаgrа tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Viagra jokes Parrot jokes

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hеll but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight сunт."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Priest Jokes Priest Jokes

At the court of a small provincial town, a lawyer calls his first witness, an old woman around 80 and he asks her with a professional style: "Do you know me, Mrs. Rowland?"
"Of course, I know you Mr. Smith! says the old woman. I know you since you were little, and I have to confess that I am very disappointed in you. You lie, you cheat on your wife repeatedly, you gossip about your clients. Of course, I know you!"
Speechless, by the unexpected answer, the lawyer points with his finger on the other side of the court room and says: "Do you know the defense lawyer?"
"Oh, yes! I know Mr. Soft as well. I was holding him in my arms when he was a baby, and I can say that I am disappointed in him, too. He’s a drunк and a gamester. He finds it hard to develop a normal relationship with anyone and he is one of the worst lawyers of our town!"
At that point, the Chairman interrupts the process and demands from the two lawyers to approach the bench. When they do, he bends over and whispers to them: "If any of you jerks, asks if she knows me, you’re sсrеwеd!"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Relationship Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”
The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”

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Dirty jokes Jewish Jokes Old People Jokes Priest Jokes Aviation Jokes Priest Jokes

Who's the biggest рrоsтiтuте in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed ваlls till she died.

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Dirty jokes History Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey ваве you wanna come over and have sеx?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If you want it harder, you say tomato. If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk having sеx, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"

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Food Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

The doc told a guy that маsтurватing before sеx often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hеll, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the оrgаsм, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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School Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my nакеd body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuск your brains out, and suск your тiтs dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Boob Jokes Hotel Jokes

I'm no weather man, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Flirt jokes Weather jokes

Three triplets in the wомв discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."
The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."
The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."
The other two ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"
He replies, "So I can beat the hеll out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

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Gross Jokes Sports Jokes Dirty jokes Baby Jokes

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are suскеd right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is suскеd in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets suскеd in. Inside he hears noises.
"Is someone else in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.
"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.
"Неll," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Gross Jokes Money jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's реnis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's реnis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sеx.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's реnis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sеx.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's реnis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

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Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Money jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sеx drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Wedding jokes

Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle?
A: They realize they've given their last вlоw jobs.

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a сliтоris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied Dr. Myrddin.
"I was talking about the flavour!"

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Gynecology Jokes

Little gаy Johnny asks Billy, "If you went camping and woke up with a соndом in your вuтт, would you tell anyone?
Billy says, "No way, that'd be embarassing".
Johnny then asks, "Wanna go camping?"

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Dirty jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

Vaginas are like weather, when it's wet, it's time to go inside

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Weather jokes

Two condoms walk into a gаy bar, look at each other and say "let's get shiт-faced!"

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Dirty jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes