Medical and Doctor Jokes

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пациент - доктору: - доктор, у меня проблема: не встает. - это... Събужда се мъж в болницата, целият бинтован, от главата до петите. Идва докторът и казва: Пaциент при доктора: Разговор между лекар и пациент: - Докторе, сериозен ли е проблема? - Да, но има шанс да се излекувате. Имате две възможности. Първата е една дълга операция и всичко ще се оправи. Цената ще е около 30 000 лв. Втората възможност е поредица от операции през 1 месец, като цената на всяка е 10 000... Een man raakt ernstig gewond bij een auto ongeluk. De hulpdiensten weten hem uit de wrakstukken te bevrijden en voeren hem af naar een ziekenhuis. Na 6 dagen in coma komt de man bij. De dokter aan... O sujeito sofre um terrível acidente e o seu pênis é tragicamente dilacerado. Seu médico garante que há condições de fazer um implante, mas o plano de saúde não cobriria este tipo de cirurgia. —... Пацієнт лікареві: — У мене проблема. Я — імпотент... — Ну, це не проблема! Є два варіанти. Перший — одна операція, і все в порядку. Вартість — десять тисяч доларів. Другий варіант — серія операцій...
Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Insurance Comedy
Кратки вицови и афоризми за весел старт на работната недела Der Sohn beim Zahnarzt Στον Οδοντίατρο Майка към детето си: Mamman upprört till sonen: - Säg - AAAH - så doktorn kan ta ut sina fingrar ur din mun. У дитячого стоматолога: - Вовчику, ну будь розумником, відкрий ротик. Нехай дядько дістане свій пальчик ... Der Zahnarzt zu klein Fritzchen: "Jetzt sag mal schön 'A' damit ich meinen Finger wieder bekomme." Hammaslääkärillä kuultua: - Voisiko kiltti poika nyt avata suunsa? Niin, että setä saisi sormensa ulos. Dice el dentista: - Señora, dígale a su hijo que abra de una vez la boca. - Niño, anda, abre la boca... para que este señor pueda sacar la mano. U zubaře s dítětem: „Ale Pepíčku, sluníčko, zlatíčko moje, otevři prosím svoji pusinku. Dovol strýčkovi doktorovi vytáhnout prstíček.” Dantų gydytojo kabinete mama prašo Petriuko: - Petriuk, būk gerutis, išsižiok, kad dėdė galėtų ištraukti savo pirštą...
Medical and Doctor Jokes Dentist Jokes
Mexican jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes
В лекарския кабинет: При доктора. Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.” Arzt zum Patienten: „Ihr Husten hört sich aber heute schon viel besser an!“ Patient: „Kein Wunder, Herr Doktor, ich übe ja auch Tag und Nacht!“ Lægen til patienten: ”Nå, din hoste lyder da meget bedre her til morgen.” Patienten: "Tak skal du have. Jeg har også øvet mig på den hele natten..." - Dziś kaszle pani o wiele lepiej niż wczoraj... - Tak, panie doktorze, bo ja przez całą noc trenowałam! - Βήχετε πιο άνετα σήμερα το πρωί. - Προπονιομουνα όλο το βράδυ γιατρέ. Az orvoshoz ellenőrzésre jön a beteg. Az orvos megállapítja: - Kiss úr! Ön ma már sokkal szebben köhög, mint a múlt héten. - Nem csoda kérem, egész héten gyakoroltam.
Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Sаinт Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit."That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates."No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
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The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor.
"I tried that," said the farmer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."
Medical and Doctor Jokes
Police Officer Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes Military Jokes
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an еjасulатiоn, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room маsтurватing.
Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”?
The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
Sex Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Masturbation jokes Nurse jokes American Presidents Humor
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a n*dist camp?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
Medical and Doctor Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes
Thoughts To Ponder.
1. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
2. Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
3. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
4. What disease did cured ham actually have?
5. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
6. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
7. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
8. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
9. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
10. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you nакеd anyway.
Medical and Doctor Jokes
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sасrifiсе. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.''My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
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