Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.
Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family:
"I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied:
"Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

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Question: What’s the ideal breakfast setting?
Answer: You’re sitting at the kitchen table and your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Рlаyвоy, and your wife is on the back of a milk carton.

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Food Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon.
Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.
The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back.
She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.
He calls his mother a third time.
Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didn't want him to.

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One-Liner Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you?
Answer: Shorten the chain.

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Dark Humor Jokes Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sеx with his five wives?
Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

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Sex Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Military Jokes American Presidents Humor

A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x.
The code is:
"Making a call."
One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call.
The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order.
Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call.
The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes Phone jokes

What’s the difference between a sеx night with the husband and one with the truelove?
About a half an hour...

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"
The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."
The girl then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

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Dad Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Boss Jokes

After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes

A widowed elderly lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, FL.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like рussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

There were three guys in Неll - Iranian, American, and a Chinese man.
They asked Sатаn to let them call their family.
The American called and talked for 10 minutes.
He payed $1,000.
The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes.
He payed $2,000.
The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10.
The other men complained and Sатаn responded, "A call from Неll to Неll is local.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes American Jokes

Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him?
He stung her into action.

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Animal Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vоdка on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."
The Russian man says, "I would like to рiss vоdка."
When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can рiss vоdка and demonstrates for her. It was the best vоdка they'd ever had.
The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass. She asks, "Why only one glass?"
"Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."

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Gross Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viаgrа pills."
His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Viagra jokes

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

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News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Wedding jokes Banker Jokes Sailor Jokes

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.
''Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.''
''Don't worry about it,'' Jake said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?''

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.
Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Playing a game," the boy replied.
"What is your name?" the officer questioned.
"Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired,
"Are you looking for trouble?!"
The boy replied, "Why, yes."

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes American Presidents Humor

The judge:
Why did you shoot the rabbit without being a member of the hunters association?
The inculpated:
Why did the rabbit eat cabbage from my garden, without being a family member?

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Judge and Court Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Hunting Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife?
He was an aunteater.

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Cannibal Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes