Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

When your boyfriend is accusing you of cheating and you're standing there thinking he's starting to sound just like your husband

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- “Well, your wife managed to unlock your phone an hour ago. Do you want to go home first or shall we leave now?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes

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Marriage and Family Jokes

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me... The second one didn't!

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Why does a rooster crow so early in the morning? He wants to get a word in before all the hens wake up.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Yo momma's so fат, when she went to the beach, the whales sang, "We are family! "

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Yo Momma Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Fat Jokes

A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy whose been drinking a lot."
The husband responds, "Who is he?"
The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage."
"Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Relationship Jokes

- I have the perfect son.
- Does he smoke?
- No, he doesn’t.
- Does he drink whiskey?
- No, he doesn’t.
- Does he ever come home late?
- No, he doesn’t.
- I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
- He will be six months old next Wednesday.

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Parent Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

Yo' Mama is so fат, she broke the family tree.

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Yo Momma Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Fat Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to рее. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my реnis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his реnis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

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Men vs Women Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes

A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replies the little girl."
Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie."
Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, "Dear Lord, why the hеll did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Old People Jokes

Husbands are the best people to share secrets with.
They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening

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Marriage and Family Jokes

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says,
"I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sеx, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Birthday Jokes Love Jokes

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband:
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Please pray for my wife.
She is not sick, just married to me

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Marriage and Family Jokes

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

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Would you support the idea of marriage licenses expiring like drivers licenses to givе couples an option to renew?
Is this helpful

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

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Whatever my wife uses the phrase "I was thinking", that means either i have to move, build, paint or buy something

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him 'professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. 'Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject' he replied. The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an 'A" the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, 'what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer. He had to finally give up as he really did not know. He gave the boy his 'A' the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer. He pointed out one student and waited:
"sir, u're 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife's boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an 'A'. That is neither logical nor legal".
The professor collapsed. --__--

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