John comes home and notices his wife nакеd in bed and the postman standing with his unzipped trousers next to the bed. The postman wants to save the situation so he says quickly: "Mrs. Ann, I warn you for the last time! If you do not sign this letter so I will рее on your brand-new carpet." 69 0 0
I'm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween, she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy. 68 0 0
A father was advising his son: "If you want to have a big and strong diск in future you have to eat more walnuts."Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child did'nt eat enough walnut yourself?" 68 0 0
Weißes Hochzeitskleid ¿Por qué las mujeres se casan de blanco?. Mama mama mama por que los vestidos de novia vienen en blanco por que es una tradicion. Pourquoi les femmes se marient en blanc ? Pour être assorti avec les appareils d'électroménager. Jantje vraagt aan zijn moeder: "Waarom is een bruidskleed of bruidsjurk wit?" Moeder antwoordt: "Nou Jantje, Een witte jurk toont aan dat de bruid nog maagd is." Jantje bedankt zijn moeder, maar... Miksi morsiuspuku on valkoinen? - Kaikki muutkin kodinkoneet ovat Чому наречена на весіллі в білій сукні? Тому що побутова техніка зазвичай білого кольору. Perche’ la donna porta un vestito bianco il giorno del suo matrimonio? Per essere in tono con la lavatrice e la lavastoviglie. - De ce rochia de Mireasa este alba? - Asta e culoarea standard la toate Electrocasnicele. Varför är brudklänningen i regel vit ? De flesta köksmaskiner är ju vita... Hvorfor bærer bruden for det meste hvidt? Hun skulle jo gerne matche alt det andet køkken inventar. Un enfant demande à son papa : - Papa, pourquoi les robes de mariées sont-elles blanches ? - Oh... Probablement pour que ce soit assorti au frigo, à la cuisinière à gaz et à l'évier! - Kāpēc līgava kāzās ir tik balta? - Kāpēc, kāpēc. Standarta sadzīves tehnikas krāsa! Синот ја прашува мајка си: - Мамо, зошто венчаниците се бели? Мајката одговора: - Венчаницата покажува на пријателите и Роднините дека невестата е чиста. Синот за секој случај го прашува истото... Pourquoi une femme porte une robe blanche le jour de son mariage ? Pour être en harmonie avec la cuisinière et le lave-linge. A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white." 68 0 0
Скарано семейство не си говорят вече трети ден. Вместо да си говорят, си пишат бележки.Вечерта мъжът оставя на нощното шкафче на жена си бележка: Nach dem Streit spricht das Ehepaar schon drei Tage nicht mehr miteinander. Am vierten Tag findet sie einen Zettel, auf dem steht: "Morgen um sieben Uhr wecken!" Am nächsten Tag wird er um halb zehn wach und sieht einen Zettel auf seinem Nachttisch: "Sieben Uhr! Aufstehen!" Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you вuм! Get out of bed!" 68 0 0
When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome. Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER. 68 0 0
On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her аss to a grave.When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your аss is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'" 68 0 0
Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand. The police ask, "is that your wife?""Yes" says the man. "Did you кill her with that golf club?" "Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club. "How many times did you hit her?"The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five." 68 0 0
There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children. We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt. When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?" My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone."We'll go in the limousine duммy." 68 0 0
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration."Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." 68 0 0
Two blondes were talking together:First: "How about your engaged Jim? Is he keeping well?"Second: "He isn't just now my engaged."First: Hi good news. His nose was too big and his head was bald with an ugly face!"Second: "He is now my husband!" 67 0 0
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his реnis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his реnis. "He's not my husband either." He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club." 67 0 0
Се е исто. - Жената май предаде Богу дух. От седмица сексът е същият, обаче чиниите се трупат... Undertaker to bereaved husband. When did you 1st notice your wife was dead? Well he replies, "The sex was the same but the dishes were starting too pile up." - Comment savoir si votre femme est morte? Vous baisez toujours autant, mais la vaisselle sale s'empile. Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died? A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink. Komt een man bij de dokter en zegt: dokter ik denk dat mijn vrouw dood is!?! Vraagt de dokter: waarom denkt u dat? Zegt de man: nou de seks is hetzelfde maar de afwas blijft maar staan… Hvordan ved du, at din kone er døde? – Jeres sex er det samme, men opvasken er begyndt at vokse i håndvasken Che cosa pensi se tua moglie muore? Il sesso e’ lo stesso ma la pila di piatti e’ in aumento. Che cosa pensi se muore tuo marito? Il sesso e’ lo stesso ma conquisti il telecomando. Hvordan du forstår at kona er dau? Sexen er som vanlig men oppvasker samler seg opp.. Jak poznáte, že je vaše žena mrtvá? Sex je pořád stejný, ale v kuchyni se hromadí špinavé nádobí. - Să ştii că am impresia că nevastă-mea a murit. - Eşti sigur? - Nu ştiu ce să spun. În pat este ca înainte, doar că se adună vasele nespălate în bucătărie de vreo săptămînă! Død kone Hvordan opdager man at Ens kone er død? Hun knepper som Hun plejer, men Opvasken vokser og vokser! I finally determined that my girlfriend has been dead for a while… The sεx is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up. Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead?Answer: The sеx will be the same but the dishes will pile up. 67 0 0
Извинете, дали сте вие таткото на моето дете? Supermarket стоит мужик в магазине в очереди и тут обращает внимание на очень... Виждам в опашката пред касата една страхотна блондинка Мужик стоит в очереди в кассу в супермаркете. Ein Typ steht in der Schlange im Supermarkt, als ihm eine scharfe Blondine etwas weiter hinten, freundlich zuwinkt und anlächelt. Er kann sein Glück nicht fassen und fragt sie: Un gaillard fait la file à la caisse de son supermarché quand il remarque qu'une petite blonde canon lui fait signe de la main et lui sourit. Il s'adresse à elle et dit gentiment : " Excusez-moi, est-ce que je vous connais? " A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. Un homme au supermarché se rend compte qu'une blonde canon lui fait signe de la main. Tout content, l'homme s'approche et demande : Um cara está na fila do caixa no supermercado quando uma morena escultural lhe acena com a mão e lança um sorriso daqueles. Ele deixa por momentos o carrinho das compras na fila, dirige-se à morena... Jos staat in de rij van de supermarkt met achter hem een knappe blondine. Wanneer hij zich omdraait, glimlacht ze lief naar hem en steekt ze haar hand op als begroeting. Verbaast vraagt hij aan... En läcker blondin vinkar till mannen, han tycker att han känner igen henne. - Känner jag dig? frågar han. - Om inte jag tar fel så är du far till ett av mina barn? Han börjar fundera på den enda... Kender jeg dig? En lækker blond kvinde vinker til manden, der synes han har set hende før. - Kender jeg dig, spørger han og får svaret: - Hvis jeg ikke tager fejl er du far til et af mine børn. Han... Chlap stojí v supermarketu ve frontě u pokladny, když si všimne, že na něj opodál mává blondýna a mile se usmívá. Docela se diví, že zrovna k němu by se hlásila taková kočka. Přesto jde k ní a aniž... La chica del oxxo Un tipo está en la fila de la caja de un OXXO, cuando una rubia escultural lo saluda agitando la mano, y le lanza una de aquellas sonrisas estremecedoras... El tipo mira hacia los... Facet poszedł do supermarketu i zauważył, że atrakcyjna kobieta wodzi za nim wzrokiem. Podszedł do niej, a ona powitała go ciepło. Był zaskoczony, bo nie mógł sobie przypomnieć skąd ją zna. - Czy... "Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?""Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!"The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife.So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild sеx in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!"The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..." 66 0 0
My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her. 66 0 0
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on a couch watching the news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them hомо-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. "We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. ""Right, Darlin."The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy." 66 0 0
A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored."What happened to your feet?" his wife asked."I had a childhood disease called Tolio.""Don't you mean роliо?""No, tolio, it only affects the toes."Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees."What happened to your knees?" she asked."Well, I also had Kneesles.""Don't you mean measles?""No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!" 66 0 0
When her husband returns home at two in the morning, the wife confronts him."I told you two beers and home by ten o’clock!"The man replies, "I'm sorry honey, I must have gotten the two numbers mixed up." 65 0 0