Men jokes

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“You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [female] (I’m easy.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [male] (I’m gаy.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to liск you.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [male] (I’m hоrny.)
“Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
“What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [male] (I’m really gаy.)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [female] (I’m really easy.)
“That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [female] (I’m 19.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to male] (Get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to female] (I am going to grоре you now.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to female] (Move your fат аss. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a hо…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, вiтсh, like the sluт you are.)
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Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my вrеаsтs.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Неll, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the little ваsтаrd.
Съдят 75-годишна баба. Съдят 75-годишна баба за убийство. Съдията пита: Баба на суд обвинета за убиство: Dia 8 de abril, em um tribunal de São Paulo, uma velhinha começava a responder às perguntas: — Qual o seu nome? — Camila Vando. — Idade? — Tenho 67 anos. — Dona Camila, onde a senhora estava há uma... Your honour, I am 75 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and... - Kan ni vänligen tala om hur gammal ni är? frågade försvarsadvokaten. - Jag är 86 år gammal, sa den lilla tanten. - Berätta nu, med egna ord, vad som hände kvällen den 1 april 2009. - Ja, jag satt...
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Top 10 rejection lines given by women (and of course what they actually mean!)
1) “I think of you as a brother.” - You have the sеx appeal of a Franciscan monk.
2) “There is a slight difference in our ages.” - You are positively Jurassic.
3) “I’m not attracted to you in that way.” - The bulge in your trousers is just not big enough.
4) “My life is too complicated right now.” - I’m bonking several better-looking guys already.
5) “I need some freedom to find my own space.” - I want the freedom to find someone to fill my space.
6) “I don’t date men where I work.” - I never date TWO men in the same office, because I’d get caught.
7) “It’s not you, it’s me.” - It’s not me it’s you!
8) “I’m concentrating on my career.” - Boring and UN-fulfilling as my job is, it is better than dating you.
9) “I’ve decided to be celibate.”- I’m already shаgging someone else.
10) “Let’s be friends.” - I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sеx with!
Top 10 rejection lines given by men (and what they actually mean)
1) “I think of you as a sister.” - You’re ugly.
2) “There’s a slight difference in our ages.” - You’re ugly.
3) “I’m not attracted to you in that way.” - You’re ugly.
4) “My life is too complicated right now.” - You’re ugly.
5) “I’ve got a girlfriend.” - You’re ugly.
6) “I don’t date women where I work.” - You’re ugly.
7) “It’s not you, it’s me.” - You’re ugly.
8) “I’m concentrating on my career.” - You’re ugly.
9) “I’m celibate.” - You’re ugly.
10) “Let’s be friends.” - You’re really fсuкing ugly.
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After studying all night for his zoology final, David, a senior, enters class confident that he will conquer the test. He takes his seat and looks around at all the panicked faces around him. "I got this," he says to himself, pulling out his lucky pen.

The professor calls for attention and only then does David see the six stuffed birds covered with canvas with only their feet showing. The professor says, "Identify the birds. You have the entire class time. Begin."

"This is impossible," says David.

"Nothing is impossible," replies the professor.

Little by little the other students finish their exam and turn in their papers. David looks down at his blank sheet and shakes his head in disgust as the anger of defeat bubbles forth. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I studied all night!" He crumples his test and throws it on the floor. "THIS IS THE DUMBEST TEST I HAVE EVER SEEN!" He jabs his finger in the professor's direction but says nothing, and storms toward the exit.

The professor calls out, "What is your name young man?"

In response, David spins around, hikes up his pants and thrusts his foot at the professor. "You tell me!"
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A doctor from Israel says:
“In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments:
“That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says:
“That’s nothing either.  In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
“That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with ваlls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of  Australia
and very soon …..the whole вlооdy country will be looking for work!!!!!!”
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Movie Truisms 1 - 10 of 31 … … …
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1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year. …
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2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. …
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3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. …
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4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. …
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5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. …
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6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A gutteral German accent will do. …
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7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. …
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8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. …
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
Bonus: Movie bombs (or “tropes”) are always clearly labeled, with bright red digital displays that count backwards the seconds to detonation and the proper wire is cut with no more than three seconds left until Armageddon.
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