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Men jokes - Page 9
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office:
“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals.
We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”
Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!”
General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”
Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”
General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”
Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”
General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: “What!
Son, where is your left pinky?”
Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sреrм count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sемеn sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vаginа?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vаginа?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vаginа?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder.
"Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?",
"I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?",
"McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says,
"Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too!
This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts.
The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunк again."
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hеll?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."