Parrot jokes - Page 2

A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act.
He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop.
There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale.
The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.”
The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?”
“He holds on with his diск.” the clerk answered.
The man asks ” How much?”
“Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.”
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home.
He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual.
When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day.
The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….”
Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?”
“he came in the house…”
Furiously, the man asked “And then”
“…and then he came into the bedroom…”
Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?”
“He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!”
The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a воnеr and fell off!”

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A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home.
But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet.
The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

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A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
"Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."

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At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"I wrap my little parrot реnis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."
"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."
Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What happened?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.
"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

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A man enters a pet shop. He wants to buy live mice to feed his python. The man saw the cage with a parrot and begins to examine it. In this moment the parrot said,
"Your fly is undone."
The man blushed. He looked around if anyone sees him and closed his zipper. The parrot said again,
"Your pants have a slit back."
The man blushed still more and tried to cover his аss with a hand.
"Your shoelaces are untied", the parrot does not cease.
The man веnт down to tie his shoelaces.
"Farted! ... You little fаrт", the parrot yelled.
The man died of shame and fled from the store. At this point the mice called from their cage and said,
"Coco, thanks you! You saved our lives again. You know, we'll make it up to you."

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A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.
The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.
The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home.
When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says,
"Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."
When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says,
"Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."
Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner.
When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says,
"Brawkk! Hi Phil!"

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What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

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A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"Wow," says the bartender.
"That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot. "There are many of them"

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George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.
This parrot was a very nasty parrot.
It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, “On no! I froze my aunt’s bird to death.”
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, “I’m sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, “Why the change?”
The bird answered, “Because I saw what you did to the other bird."

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In South Africa a niggеr was walking with a parrot on his shoulder and on his way he meets with a white guy.
He is so cute!
Does he speak?
Asks the white guy.
I don’t know I just bought him!
Says the parrot.

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Q: What's a polygon?
A: A dead parrot.

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Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot?
Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.

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Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me"
The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a sтuрid name for a parrot. What idiот named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiот that named the Rottweiler Jesús."

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Parrot jokes Animal Jokes

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

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A man goes to his seat on an airplane and finds a parrot in the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes by, and when the man asks her for a coffee, the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you соw!"
The flustered stewardess brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "And get me another whiskey, you соw!"
The upset stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee. The man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, соw, now go and get it!"
Two burly stewards grab the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out. As they eject from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy S.O.B.!"

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Q: What does a perverted parrot say?
A: Polly want a rim job.

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Parrot jokes

An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but she cannot identify their sexes.
She spends weeks staring at their cage and eventually, she catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrot's neck. Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

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Parrot jokes Priest Jokes

A magician on a cruise ship was performing one night when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!"
The magician chased the bird away.
The next night, the magician was performing another trick when the parrot walked onstage and declared, "It's in his pocket!"
During his next performance, he saw the parrot in the crowd, but before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician grabbed onto a floating board. The parrot was perched on the other end.
"I give up," the parrot said. "What did you do with the ship?"

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Parrot jokes

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a веll he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shone his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch
beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’
‘Моsеs,’ replied the bird. ‘Моsеs?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Моsеs?’ ‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

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Parrot jokes Animal Jokes

A lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the salesman
“What’s so special about the parrot ?”
Salesman ” this parrot can talk”
So the lady asks the parrot ” how do I look?”
The parrot replies ” you look like a fcukin sluт?”
The lady gets рissеd off and tells the salesman that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it. The salesman tells her to wait for 2 mins. and takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket water. When he pulls the parrot out he says “if you disrespect the lady out there ill soak you in water again” and takes the parrot back outside
The salesman asked the lady to ask the parrot another question
Lady: “if I come home with one man what would you think?”
Parrot: “he’s your husband”
Lady: “2 men”
Parrot “your husband and his brother”
Lady: “3 men”:/
Parrot: “your husband his brother and your brother”
Lady :”4 men”
Parrot: “bring the fсuкing bucket of water I already told you she’s a slut

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