Priest Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Мъж влиза в църква и се насочва право към изповедалнята. Младеж се изповядва на свещеника: Старец влиза в изповедалнята и казва на свещеника: Incredible Confession в церковь заходит старик и обращается к священнику: - я бы хотел... приходит на исповедь пожилой человек. - отец мой, у меня не было... A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” Ein Mann geht zur Beichte und sagt zum Priester: "Vater, ich bin 80 Jahre alt, verheiratet, habe vier Kinder und elf Enkelkinder, und letzte Nacht hatte ich eine Affäre mit zwei 18-jährigen Mädchen. Ich hatte Sex mit beiden...zweimal!" Darauf der Priester: "Also, mein Sohn, wann warst Du das... Un anciano entra a la iglesia, y al dirigirse al confesionario le dice al cura: - Padre, yo tengo 82 años, soy casado, tengo 5 hijos y 12 nietos. Pero ayer tuve una aventura con dos ardientes muchachas de 20 años. Le hice el amor dos veces a cada... Un hombre de 80 años entró en el confesionario y le dijo al sacerdote lo siguiente: "Padre, yo soy un hombre de 80 años, estoy casado, tengo 4 hijos y 11 nietos. Anoche tuve un romance con dos... A very old man went to a church, making this confession: - Father, I am 78 years old, I have been married for 40 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I had sex... На сповіді: — Пасторе, я згрішив. Моя дружина поїхала на вихідні в село, а я... зрадив їй з іншою. — Скільки разів? — Скільки разів! Та послухайте, пасторе, я ж прийшов сповідатися, а не хизуватися! A gyóntatófülkében egy öregember ezt mondja a papnak: - 92 éves vagyok. Csodás feleségem van, aki 70 éves. Gyerekeim, unokáim, dédunokáim vannak. Tegnap három stoppos tinédzserlányt vittem az... Un anciano entra al confesionario y dice al cura: - Padre, tengo 80 años, estoy casado, tengo cuatro hijos y 11 nietos, y anoche tuve una aventura. Hice el amor a dos chicas de 21 años. ¡A las dos.... An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued: Man: “I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great... O blonda la spovedanie: - Parinte am preacurvit. -De cite ori fica mea.......? - Parinte am venit sa ma spovedesc, nu sa ma laud! Kahdeksankymmentä ja kuolemavälillä oleva tutajava ukkeli käppäilee katoliseen kirkkoon tunnustamaan syntinsä: - Isä, olen 82-vuotta, naimisissa olen ollut yli 40 vuotta. Koko tämän ajan olen ollut... Yaşlı bir adam kiliseye girer ve günah çıkarma kabinine yerleşir. Pederle aralarında aşağıdaki konuşma geçer: Adam: “92 yasımdayım, 70 yaşında harika bir karim, birçok çocuğum, Torunum ve onların... Um senhor de 60 anos entra no confissionário e vai falando pro padre: — Padre, comi uma garota de 16 anos! O padre então, manda ele rezar 10 padre-nossos e 10 ave-Marias. — Mas padre, toda vez q eu... Um velho foi se confessar: — Padre, eu tenho 80 anos, tenho 5 filhos e 11 netos. Ontem eu transei com duas moças de 18 anos, com as duas juntas e duas vezes! — Oh, meu filho! Quando foi a última... Wchodzi staruszek do konfesjonału i nawija: - Mam 92 lata. Mam wspaniałą żonę, która ma 70 lat. Mam dzieci, wnuki i prawnuki. Wczoraj podwoziłem samochodem trzy nastolatki, zatrzymaliśmy się w... Stařec vejde do zpovědnice: „Otče, je mi osmdesát, jsem šedesát let ženat, mám čtyři děti, šestnáct vnoučat a asi šedesát pravnoučat, takže bych měl mít už rozum. Ale včera, co se mi stalo - pařil...
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Priest Jokes
Catholic Terminology
AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE Holy Smoke!
JESUITS An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
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A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm Came up.
They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside.
The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed.
The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor.
As they were alone and beginning to get settled.
The young nun said, "father?" in a song-song voice.
He answered, "yes, sister?"
"I'm cold."
The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun.
As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said, "father?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I'm still cold."
The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in.
He climbed back into the sleeping bag.
Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling she called out to him again.
"I'm still cold!"
He said, "sister?"
"Yes?"
"We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains."
"Yes, we are!"
"Just this once... Yes? Just tonight... yes? Do you want to pretend that we are married?"
"Oh yes! I do!"
"Ok... get up and get your own dang blanket!"
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A drunк man who smelled like вооzе sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunк muttered in response, "Well, I’ll be dамnеd," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunк answered, "I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed:
"I thought we had a deal."
The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."
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En kvinna kommer till kyrkan och går fram till prästen. - Fader, jag kallade en man för djävel igår. - Varför då? undrar prästen. - För att han tog mig på armen utan mitt tillstånd - Så här säger... Uma mulher entrou na igreja para confessar-se com aquele padre muito sacana: — Padre, o meu marido é um filho da puta! — Não diga isso, minha filha! Afinal ele é o seu marido! — Mas ele é um filho... Uma moça chega na igreja para confessar com o padre: - Padre, meu marido é um filho da puta. - Por quê? - Porque eu estava no sofá, quando ele chegou e colocou a mão na minha perna. - Eu estou... Mocinha: Padre, o João é um Filho da Pu*a!! Padre: Não fale assim, minha filha. Todos nós somos irmãos. Mocinha: Mas o senhor não sabe o que ele fez... Padre: E o que ele fez? Mocinha: Ele me deu...
Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”
Priest: “What did you do Child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a вiтсh.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a вiтсh?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a вiтсh.”
Girl: “Then he touched my вrеаsт.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her вrеаsт)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a вiтсh.”
Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a вiтсh.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a вiтсh.”
Girl: “But father he had AIDS!”
Priest: “THAT SON OF A ВIТСН!!!”
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Умряли в един ден един поп и един шофьор, качили се заедно при Свети Петър, за да влезнат в рая... Поп и шофер Το αποτέλεσμα Умерли в один день водитель автобуса и священник. Пред св. Петър се изправят двама души - шофьор и свещеник. Перед вратами рая стоят водитель автобуса и священник. К ним выходит Святой Петр: A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Поп и шофьор умрели и се явили пред Свети Петър. Още щом видял шофьора, пазителят на Опаловите порти се зарадвал: - Охо! Откога те чакаме! Бързо влизай в Рая -- пазим ти място! Попът тръгнал да се промъква след шофьора, но светията го сграбчил за яката. - Ти пък къде? - Ами този тъп шофьор... Il y avait dans un village deux hommes qui s'appelaient Jules. L'un était prêtre et l'autre chauffeur de taxi. Le destin voulut que tous deux meurent le même jour. Ils arrivent au ciel et se présentent devant le Seigneur. Jules, le chauffeur de taxi, passe en premier. Dieu consulte ses registres... Piloten hade inga problem med att komma in i himmelriket. Prästen blev däremot otroligt förvånad och förtretad då han stoppades vid pärleporten. - Men vad nu då? Vad menas med detta, frågade han Sankte Pär. Varför kommer inte jag som är präst in i himlen,när piloten gjorde det? - Jo,... En busschaufför och en präst stod utanför himlens port. Sankte Per kollade i sin dator om båda borde bli insläppta. Till slut fick chauffören komma in. – Men utropade prästen – vet du inte hur han svär och lever om när han kör buss? – Jodå, svarade Sankte Per, men när du predikar i din kyrka så... En präst och en taxi förare dog och de båda kom upp till himlen samtidigt. Sankte Per stod vid pärleporten och väntade på dem. - Följ med mig! Sa sankte Per till taxi föraren. Taxi föraren gjorde som han blev tillsagd och följde med sankte Per till en stor herrgård. Herrgården hade all lyx som... Un cura y un taxista se mueren y van al cielo. San Pedro los recibe y le dice al cura: - Bueno cura, usted vivirá en esa casita chica y fea. - Bueno San Pedro así será. Después va el taxista y San... C'est l'histoire d'un curé et d'un chauffeur de bus qui se retrouvent devant St. Pierre. Le curé est irréprochable alors que le chauffeur roulait si mal qu'il a causé un nombre incalculable... Een priester sterft en wanneer hij bij de hemelpoort komt, ziet hij een taxichauffeur uit New York die een prominentere plek heeft dan hij. Dus zegt hij tegen de engel: "Dit snap ik niet. Ik heb... A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told... En prest stod ved himmelporten og klagde til St.Peter: Presten: – Hvorfor kan jeg ikke komme inn? Det kom jo nettopp en full buss kjørende inn, den slapp inn uten problemer? St.Peter: – Fordi når... İki adam ölür ve cennetin kapısına gelirler. Cennetin kapısında Aziz Peter beklemektedir. Aziz Peter ilk adama sorar: - Hayattayken ne iş yapardın? - Ben rahiptim, ömrümü Tanrı'ya verdim,... Op een dag was er een buschauffeur en een pastoor gestorven. Ze gingen allebij naar petrus om te kijken waar ze heen moesten; de hemel of de hel. De pastoor kwam als laatste aan en zei tegen... A pap és a buszsofőr egyszerre kopogtatnak a mennyország kapuján. Kijön Szent Péter, röviden elbeszélget velük, majd beengedi a buszsofőrt. A pap fölháborodva kérdezi: - És én? Engem, aki egész... Komen een slechte priester en een slechte buschauffeur bij de hemelpoort en samen worden ze naar hun verblijf gebracht. Eerst wordt de chauffeur meegenomen naar zijn kamer. Over de top luxe:... After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don't understand,” he inquired to Saint Peter. “I devoted my entire life... Egy taxisofőr és egy pap egyszerre halnak meg, és felkerülnek a mennyországba. A kapuban Szent Péter fogadja őket. A taxisofőrt karon fogja és egy csodálatos palotához vezeti, amit gyönyörű kert... En taxisjåfør kom til Perleporten. St. Peter fant navnet hans i boken sin og ba ham ta med seg en gullstokk og en silkekappe på vei inn i himmelen. Den neste i køen var en prest. St. Peter så... Um famoso e respeitado padre paulista morre e chega ao céu. Na recepção, um anjo lhe pede para aguardar, o que o prelado acha estranho, pois esperava ser recebido com muitas honrarias. Enquanto... Un prete ed un tassista romano muoiono quasi contemporaneamente e si presentano quindi insieme ai cancelli del Paradiso. San Pietro chiede al primo, il tassista: “Chi sei?”. Il tassista si presenta... Un taximetrist moare si ajunge la usa raiului. Sfantul Petru ii da un toiag de aur acestuia si il invita in Rai... Imediat dupa taximetrist ajunge si un preot la usa raiului, iar Sfantul Petru ii... Mirė tuo pačiu metu taksistas ir kunigas. Prieina prie dangaus vartų, šv. Petras klausia taksisto: - Kuo dirbi? - Taksistu. - Gerai eik. Prieina kunigas. Jam Petras sako: - O tu į pragarą. - Bet...
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