Programmer Jokes

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

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A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son:
"Dad, what is Windows 95?"
"Well, it’s 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."

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How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus?
Don't worry, they'll let you know.

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Chuck Norris's programs can pass the Turing Test by staring at the interrogator.

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Q: Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?
A: Because they don't C#.

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Chuck Norris can access private methods.

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Yo mama is so sтuрid that she bought curtains for her computer just because it had Windows.

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What's an extroverted IT professional?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you, instead of his own.

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I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

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A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university.
After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman’s вrеаsт.
Woman: Hey! That’s private OK ?
The man hesitated for a second looking confused.
Man: But I thought we were in the same class.

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God called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates to come to a conference.
And when they were all there, God said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."
So, Bill Clinton called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Boris Yeltsin called into session the Communist Party and announced, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all. And the worse news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95."

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Two programmers after work, talking in a pub:
"You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar."
- And what did you do ?
"I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her."
"Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then?"
"I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop."
"Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications?"

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3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.
A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.

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There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

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A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife :
Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!!
What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?
No, restart the router, please!

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Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

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My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.

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Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate users: people who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert users: people who break other people’s computers.

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Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?
A: Because he didn't get arrays.

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A new army computer is put through its paces.
An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armory?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’
The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’

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