Religion jokes

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In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine.
But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into вееr.

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Knew a Muslim kid in college who was notorious for being late to everything.
We called him 9/12.

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Jenna, Jessica and Аriana die.
They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".
The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy.
Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.
Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The following day Ariana goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall.
Jenna and Jessica ask, "What happen?"
The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

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A Saudi prince recently requested that nакеd statues be covered up while visiting Rome.
Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.

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Being a very religious kind of person, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk; "I hope the pоrn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "It's regular pоrn, you sick b*stard!"

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About 4,000 years ago:
God:
"I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God:
"Correction, I shall create a great flood!"

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In the town I have met one older woman, she told me:
"if you give me ten euros, I will pray for your black soul."
I gave her the ten euros, became suspicious, didn't believe her and told her:
"ok, but pray for me right now, not in the evening."
The woman has begun:
"guardian angel, please, take care of my soul, forgive me all my sins and give me everything I need in my life."
I have asked her only:
"for my money?"

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If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

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What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays!

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Too sтuрid to understand science?
Try religion!

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A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
"God, how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, it's a penny."
"God, may I have a penny?"
"Wait a minute."

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Religion is a lot more like politics.
The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

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Q: What do you call Bin Laden when he lost his virginity?
A: Osama Bin Laiden.

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Three Vicars and their wives are all killed in the same accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter tells the first Vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved вооzе. That’s why you married a woman named Brandy.” So they go off, and St Peter tells the second vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved money. That’s why you married a woman named Penny.” When they go, St Peter tells the third vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first…” The third vicar replies: “I know,” turns to his wife and says: “Come on, Fаnny.”

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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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Man: You've brought religion into my life.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Неll.

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Q: What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?
A: Their ваlls are just for decoration.

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DEPT OF STATISTICS:
All grades are plotted along the normal веll curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.
The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
Everybody gets an A.

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Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist?
A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

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Did you hear about the aristocratic horse?
He was the last of his race!

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