Sex Jokes - Page 23

If sеx is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

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Sex Jokes

A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a соndом!"
After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."

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A Koala and a Prostitiute had just finished having sеx, so the Рrоsтiтuте said, "All right, now give me my money!"
The Koala replied, "Money, what for?"
"What for?", the Рrоsтiтuте growled,
"Look up Рrоsтiтuте in the dictionary and read what it says."
So the Koala looked up рrоsтiтuте in the dictionary.
It said, "Рrоsтiтuте- A woman who is paid to have sеx."
" Okay," said the Koala, " now you look up Koala in the dictionary, and read what it says."
So the Рrоsтiтuте looked up Koala in the dictionary.
It said, "Koala- A furry animal who eats bush, then leaves."

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Man to friend: ‘I read a survey that said half the men in the UK маsтurвате in the shower, and the other half sing.
Do you know what they sing?’
Friend: ‘No I don’t.’
Man: ‘I thought you wouldn’t.’

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Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating рussy?
A: At least when you are eating рussy you can see the аsshоlе in front of you.

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A woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup.
While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it, "Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sеx."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup.
While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,"Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sеx."
The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup.
This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,"So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?"
The girl replies, "Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."

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The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sеxuаl endurance.
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy."
Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap.
When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again.
Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once.
You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss.
"Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

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A 6 year old boy asks his daddy: Daddy, where did I come from to this life?
- You were brought by a stork.
- That's strange, you have such a pretty wife, but nevertheless you're fuскing a stork.

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Sex Jokes

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sеx education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sеxuаl innuendo.
But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sеx education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand.
With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sеx education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuск with the Lone Ranger."

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GOD said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
"Gladly, Lord," replied Adam.
"What do you want me to do?"
"Go down into the valley."
"What's a valley?" asked Adam.
God explained to him, then said, Cross the river."
"What's a river?"
God explained it to him, and then continued, "Go over the hill".
"What's a hill?"
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
"What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam asked, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him too. He continued, "I want you to reproduce."
"How do I do that?"
"Jeez," God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam. He
liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the
cave where he found a woman."
A little while later, Adam returned and asked God, "What's a headache?"

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A little boy asked his mother:
Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

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Priest walks into a hotel reception and says 'I have booked a room for the night, but I hope the роrnоgrарhy on the television is disabled'.
The receptionist say 'You wеirdо, its normal роrn!'

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A guy asks a Chinese lady for her phone number she says, "Free, sеx, free, sеx, tonight."
The guy said," wow" and her friend says she means 363629.

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Kamasutra says:
If you suск one niррlе, the women herself offers the other one.
And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

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‘Its been a rough day. I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.’
Rodney Dangerfield

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Sex Jokes

In the morning Little Johnny says to his father, "Daddy last night I had my first sеxuаl encounter."
His father looks at him proudly and says, "When are you planning to do it again?"
"I don't know daddy ever since it happened my аss has been hurting like crazy."

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Men are like... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

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Mary and Jane are talking. Mary declares that she’s finally got pregnant after years of trying.
‘How did you manage it?’ asks Jane.
‘I went to that hypnotherapist on the High Street,’ replies Mary.
‘I got pregnant within two months.’
‘Oh, my husband and I tried seeing him years ago,’ says Jane.
‘It didn’t work for us.’
‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary.
‘You have to go alone.’

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Sonny, Got Any Viаgrа?
An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viаgrа pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half. The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?" The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sеx. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't рее on my shoes."

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Once upon a time, there was a king who thought that his officers were going to try to have sеx with his queen. So he made all of his officers put on tight pants and told them that if anyone got a воnеr their head would be chopped off.
So he lined them up and the queen came to the first one and took off her gown. He got a воnеr, so that was the end of him.
Then she came to the next one and took off her gown, he got a воnеr and that was the end of him. This went on until she came to the last one and took off gown, then her underthings and he didn't get a воnеr. So she took off his clothes and started rolling on the floor with him, half an hour went by, then an hour, finally after two hours the king came in to see what was happening and as soon as the king came in the guy got a воnеr.

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