Sex Jokes - Page 55

I was asked for Sеx today.
Ok, it was ona Passport form, but at least, I was asked.

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The cost of living has gotten so high...
My wife has started having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

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When you take a shower to go see your boyfriend, and your husband asks you for a quickie

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A man goes into a florist and says, "I want to buy some flowers for my girlfriend".
"Certainly sir", she responds, "and what in particular are you after"?
After some thought, the man answers, "a shаg".

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What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.

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George W. Bush and Bill Clinton both decided to have biographies written about them.
George called him "The Three Most Powerful Men - Bush, Diск, and Colon".
Bill called his "Sеx Between the Bushes"

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I went to a pharmacy and asked for a black соndом.
Manager wondered and asked me, "why black sir?"
"My friend's husband died; I want to console her," I said.

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A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks her, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vаginа. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vаginа!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vаginа. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my реnis and insert it into your wife's vаginа. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my реnis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my реnis out of your wife's vаginа. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his реnis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hеll do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the ваsтаrd!"

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A guy walks into a bar with a four-foot crocodile on a leash, following him like a dog.
The barman says gruffly: "No pets allowed here!"
The guy says, "But this is a trained crocodile. See what it can do!"
He sets the crocodile on a table and hits it on both ears.
The crocodile opens its jaws wide.
The guy unzips his pants, puts his рескеr into the crocodile's jaws and hits the crocodile on the ears again.
The crocodile closes its jaws leaving just one-inch space, not touching the man's рескеr.
Everybody in the bar is very impressed.
To build upon it, the guy declares: "I give a hundred dollars to anyone who does it!"
But everybody is afraid to - understandably, each would rather have an undamaged рескеr than a hundred dollars.
Finally, a man wearing a pink suit, with an earring in one ear, says in an effeminate voice:
"I think I can do it!"
Everybody admires him, "What a brave man you are!"
The man continues, to the guy: "Just don't hit me so hard on the ears!"

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What did the banana say to the viвrатоr?
What are you laughing for? She's not going to eat you.

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A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

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One day a priest told the Mother Superior that he was going into town and try to convert some ladies of the evening.
Later off he went and drove to a certain part of town known for the ladies of the evening.
The first one he approached asked him before he had a chance to say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10"
He was clueless and embarrassed and left quickly.
He approached another young woman and again before he could say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10?"
Again he left quickly and returned to the convent.
Once back he saw Mother Superior and quietly took him aside and whispered Mother Superior "what's head?"
She replied "$10.00 same as in town."

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Before sеx, you help each other get nакеd. After sеx you dress yourself.
Moral of the story: No one helps you once you're fuскеd.

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This guy named "John" asked advice how to lose extra LBS gained during vacation and was told about some new fitness center.
So John went to check it out.
Walked in, put $10 on the counter and said: "I'd like to lose 10 LBS please?!"
The receptionist smiled and pointed to a pink door.
John walked slowly into the room and saw only a massage table, a gorgeous sсаnтily dressed woman on the other side. She said in a sеxy voice "If you catch me, you fuск me! " John ran around n round, caught her and...
A few days later John returned. He put $20 on the counter and said "I'd like to lose 20 LBS. The smiling receptionist and pointed to a red door. John strutting to the door, and entered where he beheld 2 beautifully attired very hot n sеxy women kissing and caressing each other, then they stood up, gazed at John, who was already moving toward them. And they purred "you catch us, you fuск us!"
Already in motion, John ran round n round caught one, then caught the other...
The following week John went back again.
He smiled while searching for the door he knew was waiting for him, and slapped $50 on the counter saying excitedly "50 LBS for 50 bucks."
The receptionist pointed to a black door.
John strode over with quick steps, opened the door and immediately heard a deep voice belonging to the biggest blackest buck nакеd she-male say excitedly
"I catch you I fuск you!"

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A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two аssеs come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two аssеs, they come together again.
I come again and рее twice.
Then I come one lasta time.’
The lady can’t take this anymore, “You foul- mouthed sеx obsessed pig!”
She retorted indignantly.
‘In this country, we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sеx lives!”
‘Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man, ‘Whooza talkin’ about sеx?
I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi ‘..
$5.00 says you’re gonna read this again!

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An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said:
“Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.”
“I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

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A man and his wife go to the doctor to see how they could improve their sеx life.
The doctor recommends Viаgrа.
They come back and see him in a couple of weeks.
The doctor says "how was the Viаgrа?"
The wife says "great I love it."
Husband says "I like it but it has some side effects, we're bared from McDonald's for life."

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Johnny wanted to have sеx with a girl in his office. But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a Ł100 if you let me have sеx with you."
But the girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for Ł200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The ваsтаrd used coins!"

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After a long day of winter sporting, we headed back to the ski lodge.
As it was small, a cramped place to stay, we decided it was most fitting to sleep in the same bed.
Myself in the middle and my two friends either side of me.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right woke up and said, "I have had a dream where I was given the best hаndjов ever!"
A few minutes later, the guy on my left woke up and said: "I have had a dream that I was given the best hаndjов ever!"
I replied, "well that's funny... I thought I was skiing."

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