Office and Work Jokes

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Блондинка постъпила на работа в офис. Блондинка вижда термос в колегата си. A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf. блондинка приходит в магазин и видит незнакомый предмет: - что это?... Thermoskanne Οι καφέδες Ο θερμός Κρύο και ζεστό Πηγαίνει μια ξανθιά σε μια καφετέρια με ένα θερμός στο χέρι και ρωτάει το μπάρμαν : - Χωράει αυτό το θερμός πέντε καφέδες; - Ναι, της λέει εκείνος. - Ωραία. Βάλε μου τρεις εσπρέσσο, ένα φραπέ με... A loira foi contratada como secretária de um empresa. Já no pirmeiro dia, o chefe pediu para providenciar café para o pessoal. ansiosa por agradar o chefe, ela foi até o bar com a garrafa... Blondynka wchodzi do sklepu i jej uwagę przyciąga błyszczący obiekt na półce, zaciekawiona pyta sprzedawcę: - Co to jest? - Termos - odpowiada sprzedawca. - Do czego służy - pyta znów blondynka. - Pomaga utrzymać gorące rzeczy gorącymi, natomiast zimne zimnymi - objaśnia sprzedawca. Blondynka...
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What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like - Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like - Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like - Bob Vila?" He sat down with a вееr and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sеx with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hеll do I look like - Betty Crocker?"
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob:
'We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist:
'Of course we do.'
Jacob:
'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist:
'All kinds.'
Jacob:
'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist:
'Definitely.'
Jacob:
'How about Viаgrа?'
Pharmacist:
'Of course.'
Jacob:
'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist:
'Yes, a large variety.
The works.'
Jacob:
'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist:
'Absolutely.'
Jacob:
'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist:
'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
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A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"
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A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly рissеd off at having to listen to this the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer
my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of вооzе can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ….”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question.
However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well let’s go inside and settle this”
“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that fuскing nun out there again!
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Naomi was becoming frustrated with her husband Thomas frequent demand for sеx, she then decided to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the number of times they’ll have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper,
“Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sеx are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sеx on days that start with the letter ‘T’, to minimise the frequency of our lоvемакing sessions. Don’t be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you.”
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sеx craved husband will be understanding and accept her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator
and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband Thomas and the note read,
“Baby, I didn’t realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I’m sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken an extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter ‘T’ to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
Please honey. I love you too, and remember that ‘Today’ is today and am in the bedroom waiting for you my love.”
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Horror riddle:
I live in Osaka, Japan and often use the subway to go to work in the morning. One day, when I was waiting for the train, I noticed a homeless man standing in a corner of the subway station, muttering to himself as people passed by. He was holding out a cup and seemed to be begging for spare change.
A fат woman passed by the homeless man and I distinctly heard him say, “Pig.”
Wow, I thought to myself. This homeless man is insulting people and he still expects them to give him money? Then a tall businessman went by and the homeless guy muttered, “Human.” Human? I can’t argue with that. Obviously, he was human. The next day, I arrived early at the subway station and had some time to кill, so I decided to stand close to the homeless man and listen to his strange mutterings. A thin, haggard-looking man passed in front of him and I heard the homeless guy mutter, “Соw.” Соw? I thought. The man was much too skinny to be a соw. He looked more like a turkey or a chicken to me. A minute or so later, a fат man went by and the homeless man said, “Potato.” Potato? I was under the impression that he called all fат people “Pig”. That day, at work, I couldn’t stop thinking about the homeless man and his puzzling behavior. I kept trying to find some logic or pattern in what he was muttering. Perhaps he has some kind of psychic ability, I thought. Maybe he knows what these people were in a previous life. In Japan, many people believe in reincarnation. I observed the homeless man many times and began to think my theory was right. I often heard him calling people things like “Rabbit” or “Onion” or “Sheep” or “Tomato”. One day, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to ask him what was going on. As I walked up to him, he looked at me and said “Bread.” I tossed some money into his cup and asked him if he had some kind of psychic ability. The homeless man smiled and said, “Yes, indeed. I do have a psychic ability. It is an ability I obtained years ago. But it is not what you might expect. I can’t tell the future or read minds or anything like that."
"Then what is your ability,” I asked eagerly. “The ability is merely to know the last thing somebody ate,” he said. I laughed because I realized he was right. He said “Bread.” The last thing I had eaten for breakfast that day was toast. I walked away shaking my head. Of all the psychic abilities someone could have, that one must be the most useless. What is the hidden horror?
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Customer: “My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at a British comedy site.”
Tech Support: “Yes, what is the problem?”
Customer: “The ‘.uk’ at the end — doesn’t that stand for United Kingdom?”
Tech Support: “Yes.”
Customer: “Just great — I knew it!
He’s in trouble now!
He was there for almost a half hour!
How much does AOL charge for long distance?”
Tech Support: “It does not work that way.
You can surf anywhere without long distance charges.”
Customer: “No, I am sure AOL charges extra.
It doesn’t make any sense that they wouldn’t.
England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to.”
After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL.
A while later she called back.
Customer: “Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites.
I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL.”
Tech Support: “Yes?”
Customer: “Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?”
Tech Support: “Trust me — they don’t.”
Customer: “Wonderful!
My oldest son works in Sweden.
He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn’t know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone.
This will save us lots of money!
Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service.”
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