Work Jokes, Office Jokes

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

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Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the Builder said, "We cant fix it."

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Yo Momma Jokes Office and Work Jokes Insult Jokes Ugly Jokes

I can't wait for mu boss to leave for the day, so I can stop pretending to work...

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Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of вiтсhеs who want off, get the hеll off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of вiтсhеs who are getting on, get your аssеs in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are рissеd off about the two hour delay, please see the вiтсh in the kitchen."

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Dirty jokes Office and Work Jokes Christmas Jokes

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fат guy in the suit gets all the credit.

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Christmas Jokes Office and Work Jokes Fat Jokes Holiday Jokes

Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"

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Office and Work Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Holiday Jokes

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viаgrа tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viаgrа on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viаgrа tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viаgrа stops him from rolling out of
bed."

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Old People Jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes Nurse jokes Viagra jokes

Some people at a university operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments where students could buy ready-made work. There were papers to suit all needs. The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay.

A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor.

Soon, the student received the paper back with the professor's comments, which read, "I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"

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College jokes Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Banker Jokes

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on вееr cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Fitness jokes Beer Jokes

I met my ex-wife down at the gym. We didn’t workout.

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Fitness jokes Office and Work Jokes

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes One-Liner Jokes Banker Jokes

Why don’t orphans work as computer repair technicians?
Because they can’t find the motherboard

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Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes

There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.
Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing
the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.
Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost." (Say it out loud).

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Business jokes Single People Jokes

We are looking for a 25, 26 aged candidate with 30 years of experience

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Office and Work Jokes

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Office and Work Jokes

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Office and Work Jokes

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is sсrеwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shiт."

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News and Politics Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Political Jokes Dad Jokes

My friend came up to me at work looking depressed. I asked him what was wrong. He said,
"I think I had sеx with my third cousin." I replied, "If you're that worried about it, quit counting them!"

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

Irish Saw mill Accident....
Paddy and Мiск are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill.
One day, Мiск slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Мiск to the local hospital.
Next day, Раddy goes to the hospital and asks after Мiск. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Мiск out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill.
A couple of days go by, and then Мiск slips and severs his leg on another вlооdy big saw.
So Раddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Мiск off to the Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies,
"He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Мiск out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Мiск comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily, Раddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Мiск to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Мiск is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says,
"He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some idiот put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

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Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes

In a recent drug use quiz at work, I won.
Nobody got higher than me.

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Office and Work Jokes