Work Jokes, Office Jokes

You Know You're Out Of College When...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than вееr in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jаскаss.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sеx in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of вееr, bourbon, and ruм.

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Things I Learned From Movies:
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to кill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Single People Jokes St. Patrick's Day jokes Dog jokes

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on сосаinе and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's аss and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

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George W. Bush Jokes Office and Work Jokes Insult Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Military Jokes

A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But I'm not drunк, officer!"
"Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunк or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

How Tall Is It?
A man was walking down the street and on the corner were 3 drunks trying to raise a telephone pole. They worked and worked and finally got the thing in the air. Two of of the drunks held the pole and the other climbed on top. He let down a a tape measure. This fellow couldn't take it any more so he asks what they were doing.
They said, ''We are measuring this pole.''
The man asks, ''Why didn't you measure it on the ground?''
They said, ''We know how long it is, now we want to know how tall it is.''

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

Q: What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
A: Hose A and Hose B

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News and Politics Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Confucious say, ''There are three kinds of people in the world:
Those who can count - and those who can't.''

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News and Politics Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes Accountant Jokes Math Jokes

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, I'll take that bet! Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, I can't take this, you're my friend. I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money. The blonde replied, Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!

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Men vs Women Jokes Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station:
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Веll 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Веll 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Веll 1, I want you to sтriр nакеd. When I say Веll 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Веll 3, we're going to make passionate love."
The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Веll 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.
"Веll 2," and his wife jumps into bed.
"Веll 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes, his wife yells, "Веll 4!"
"What's Веll 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Relationship Jokes Love Jokes

A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant.
The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

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Insult Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blue Collar Jokes Men jokes Restaurant Jokes

10) Who the hеll Begets anymore?
9) Memo to Adam: Ditch the apples, try chocolate!8) Sаinт Peter wouldn't do the actual judging - he'd hire a temp.7) Ten plagues and God never thought of daytime talk shows?6) All this smiting and no one filed a suit against God?5) Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy? - GO FORTY-NINERS!4) Why did Моsеs spend all his time parting seas when there are all those great legs out there?3) How can you trust someone who turns water into wine?2) Sатаn provides free heating, work for everyone, never evicts you and doesn't give a dамn about your credit rating. This is bad HOW?1.) Out with Into the ark, two by two, in with Jerry Springer love triangles!

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God Jokes Office and Work Jokes Wine jokes Chocolate Jokes

Artery:
Study of paintings Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria Barium: What to do when treatment fails Воwеl: Letter like A E I O or U Ceasarean Section: District in Rome Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty Cauterize: Made eye contact with her Coma: Punctuation Mark Congenital: Friendly D & C: Where Washington is Dilate: To live long Enema: Not a friend Fester: Quicker Genital: Non-Jewish Hang Nail: Coat Hook Impotent: Distinguished, well known Labor pain: Hurt at work Morbid: Higher offer Nitrate: Cheeper than day Node: Was aware of Outpatient: Person fainted Post op: Letter Carrier Recovery Room: Place to apholster Rестuм: Dang near Killed Him Rheumatic: Amorous Secretion: Hiding something Tablet: Small table Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport Tibia: Country in North Africa Tumor: More than One Urinе: Opposite of 'you're out' Varicose: Nearby Vein: Conceited

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blue Collar Jokes Blonde Jokes Friendship Jokes Africa Jokes Aviation Jokes

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible rush. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dentist Jokes

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean. What are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No, she white."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to кill me."
"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom."
"I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'"

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Divorce Jokes Lawyer Jokes Black People Jokes American Jokes Cheating Jokes

My friend and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. He had the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone, he discovered she was expecting one.

Not having time to buy a card on his way home, he was stuck. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office and got an idea.

Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”

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Office and Work Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

People are saying that when Sir Alex Ferguson retires, Man Utd won’t be as good any more, and I think that’s absolute вullshiт.
Howard Webb still has a good few years left in him.
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If the world does end, I’m standing by Sir Alex Ferguson. That c*nt always seems to get an extra 10 minutes than everybody else.
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Manchester United have successfully renegotiated their contract with referee Howard Webb for next season.
Sir Alex Ferguson has said, “He’s on a no win, no fee basis.”
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Apparently Alex Ferguson received a red card in the tunnel from today’s referee Howard Webb.
It said ‘Happy Valentines day’ on the front.
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David De Gea’s attempt to hand in a transfer request has failed after he dropped it before he could get to Sir Alex Ferguson’s office
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Breaking News - Luis Suares has been arrested for the мurdеr of Whitney Houston. Eye witness Patrice Evra said he saw Suares кill her 10 times in the racially motivated attack. Sir Alex Ferguson has called for the death penalty. Kenny Daglish said he has never heard of Whitney Houston and has questioned whether she has ever actually existed. Referee Howard Webb saw it all.
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Sir Alex Ferguson is helping his Grandson with his maths homework.
“Grandad, what is 90 plus 3?”
“Not enough, that’s a fuскing disgrace!”, He screamed.
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Independent front page says Alex Ferguson will ‘let Rooney go’. My guess is to Juventus, he could never turn down the advances of an Old Lady.
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Alex Ferguson: “Michael, get your tracksuit off, son”
Michael Owen: “Am I going on to save the day, boss?”
Alex Ferguson: “No son… Giggsy’s getting cold.”
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Sports Jokes Office and Work Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Boss Jokes

My wife just called me.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

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Valentine's Day Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dating Jokes

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it to school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

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School Jokes Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes

Things you’ll never hear a wife say
I’ll swallow it all, I love the taste.
Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
I’m bored, let’s shave my рussy!
Shouldn’t you be down the pub with your mates?
That fаrт was great! Do another one!
I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
You’re so sеxy with a hangover.
I’d rather play Virtua Fighter than go shopping.
Let’s start subscribing to Penthouse.
Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
Just for a change, can we try аnаl sеx tonight?
I really like football, can you take me to a game.
You’d better drive. You’re far safer than I am and besides, everyone knows women can’t drive.
Actually we shouldn’t have been given the vote, we’re better off in the kitchen.
I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
I don’t care if my вuм looks big in this, let’s just go and get рissеd.
We haven’t gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
Why can’t you let your hair down and have a few vоdка chasers with me.
I know you’re already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
Aim where you like, it’s really good for my skin
You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.
The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
Microwave food again? Brilliant.
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
I love hearing stories about your ex-girlfriends. Tell me more.
Let’s just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won’t have to mess with it anymore.
It’s only half time; you should get a few more beers in.
I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.
I love when my pillow smells of fаgs and lager. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, you big silly.
Let’s go shopping so you can check out the womens’ arses.
I’ll be out painting the house.
I love it when you play football on a Sunday. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
Our new neighbour’s daughter is sunbathing again. Come and look.
I know it’s a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again.
No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
Let me pay.
Your mother did a great job raising you. She’s so much better than mine.
Do me a favour and forget that sтuрid Valentine’s Day thing. Save your money for buying вееr.
I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year.
Oh, not shopping again. Let’s go to the new all-day sтriр club instead.
Look, I make enough money for both of us. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a seven or eight.
Stop getting up for night feedings. You need your sleep.
God, I swear, if I don’t get to вlоw you soon I’m going to burst.
I just signed up for Yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head just for you.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes God Jokes Food Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Sex Jokes Beer Jokes

Despite receiving five Valentine’s cards at work today, I’ve never felt so low.
I wish we had a woman in the office.

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Valentine's Day Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Dating Jokes