Office and Work Jokes

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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just fсuк off and leave me alone.
2. No one is listening until you fаrт.
3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
4. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
5. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have the fсuкеr’s shoes.
6. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink вееr all day.
7. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
8. Don’t worry; its only кinкy the first time.
9. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
10. We are born nакеd, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our аssеs-after that, things just get fсuкing worse.
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This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a вееr. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Norks Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs and says,
"You smell kind of norky. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says,
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says,
"Okay, truck drivers are not norks," and serves him a вееr. As he is sipping his вееr, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said,
"Not to worry, the norks are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his вееr, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the norkiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said,
"What's wrong? I thought norks were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
Office and Work Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes
Drunks
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their вееr. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says,
"What are we going to do?" The driver says,
"Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our вееr bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunк answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunк. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes
In an office:
Toilet out of order … please use floor below
In a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor
Notice in a farmer’s field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the веll doesn’t work).
Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes
A blonde called her new boss to explain there was a problem with her check.
In checking the timesheets the boss noticed that she had not punched in since her first day of orientation. He tried to explain that her check was right since she had only worked the one day for the company.
The blonde went on insisting that her check was short, and that the company apparently had problems with their math in figuring out her check. She asked her boss how many days were in a year.
He said there are 365.
She asked if he knew how many weeks were in a year.
And he replied there are 52.
She went on to say that since there are 52 weeks per year in which she had 2 weekend days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since she was scheduled to work 8 hours a day, she spent 16 hours each day away from work, and that added up 170 days, leaving only 91 days for work.
She went on to explain that during the day she spent in company orientation she learned that the company allowed her 30 minutes each day for her two coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days for work.
Orientation also informed her that she would be given a 1-hour lunch each day, which used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
The company also allowed 2 days per year for sick leave, leaving her only 20 days per year to work.
The company additionally allowed her to be off 5 holidays per year, bringing her available working time down to 15 days.
Then there were the 14 days vacation the company so generously allowed all employees which leaves only 1 day for her to work ... and well, the boss has already conceded that she did time in and out on her orientation day, so would he please get her check corrected. And if it would be easier for the accounting department ... they could go ahead and make it out for her yearly salary, since she had obviously already put in her share of work for that year.
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