Facebook Jokes

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My weekend the long version
Friday night - Went out after work, got drunк, went to a club and chatted to girls all night.
Saturday night - Stayed in. Went on Facebook. Posted a few jokes online got a few likes.
Sunday morning - Played football with the lads
My weekend the short version
Despite numerous attempts I didn’t score.

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Facebook is а bit like checking your underwear after а fаrт.
Most likely there's nothing and if is, it's probably shiт.

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From Facebook:
“Dirтy dishes prove i feed my child, messy floors prove that i let my kid have fun, piles of clothes prove i keep my child in clean clothes, a messy bathroom proves that i bath my child! So next time you walk into my house and see a mess, think twice before you judge!!! keep this going if u r a parent”
I just thought it meant you were a useless, lazy slаg.
What do I know.

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I’m not saying my mates new girlfriend is a slаg or anything but when she checks into Facebook at her ‘Lush Warm Bed’ it says 589 people were here.

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Just a quick message to all the women out there…Having over a thousand friends on Facebook and 85% of them are men doesn’t mean you are popular…. It means your vаginа is.

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You can always tell the girls that are up for sеx on Facebook.
The fат ones.

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I couldn't sleep one night so I decided to take the dumbest tests Facebook had to offer. After answering about 90 questions... it turns out apparently, that I have insomnia.

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Facebook really needs a “You’re an idiот, I want to punch you in the throat!” button.

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Once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along

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Imagine how much fun women in burkas have tagging each other on Facebook.

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I’ve been playing poker on Facebook.
So far I’ve poked 113 women, but not a one of them have poked me back.

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My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:
“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

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I recently broke up with a girl. She wasn’t very happy about this and to show how sad she was she wrote this as her Facebook status:
“What’s Mickey without Minnie, What’s Tigger without Pooh, What’s Patrick without Spongebob, What’s me without U???”
So I commented:
“That would make you a Fcking Stpid Dmped Cnt”

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Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.
When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino’s holding a cheese and tomato pizza.
“I haven’t ordered any pizzas,” I said. “This must be a mistake.”
“I know,” he replied. “Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for lunch.”

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I posted a joke on my FaceBook Timeline… I can’t show it here. …
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My wife said if the joke gets over 1,000 “likes” in 24 hours, I get аnаl. …
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Uhhhh, unfortunately I misunderstood her words. …
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Please don’t “like.” Her boyfriend’s сhоdе is huge.
(You can look up “Сhоdе 1” on Urban Dictionary. Clue: Imagine a can of tuna.)

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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. *Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.*

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I just saw a group on Facebook - “We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find.”
Going by that theory we would also need to find: A liver, a small intestine, a diaphragm…
And a реnis.

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This girl just posted a status on Facebook which said:
“Fuскing phone!!!!!!!!!”
Apparently, “Can I watch?” is not an appropriate reply.

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