Masturbation jokes

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A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant “Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients”.
“Yes, sir…” answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks:
“So Ole, how was your day?” Ole tells him he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL.”
“Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?” says the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir,” says Ole. “Bravo, bravo Ole! You’re good at this and what; about the third one?” asks the doctor. “Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame.
She undresses herself, taking off her вrа and her раnтiеs and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!” And what did you do Ole?” asks the doctor. “I put eye drops in her eyes.”.
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Der zu enge Minirock Η στενή φούστα Жена се опитала да се качи на автобус Девойка A crowded city at a busy bus stop Er staat bij de bushalte een lange wachtrij. Vooraan staat een mooie meid in een aardig krap mini rokje. Dan verschijnt eindelijk de bus. Als die mooie meid in wil stappen Eine junge hübsche Frau möchte in einen Bus einsteigen Kobieta próbowała wsiąść do autobusu Testhez simuló hosszú szoknyában a buszra készül felszállni egy szőke bombázó. Mivel a szoknya nem engedi O tipa in fusta stramta si scurta vrea sa se urce in autobuz. Da sa ridice piciorul pe scara dar intalneste privirea calatorilor atenti la miscare: se vedea cam totul. Asa ca discret Bettan hade shoppat och var fullastad med paket där hon stod i busskön. Till råga på allt hade hon en så snäv kjol att hon inte kunde kliva på bussen. Under stort besvär fick hon los ena armen och... C'est une jeune fille en mini-jupe trop serrée et qui souhaite monter dans un bus. Voyant qu'elle n'y arrive car sa jupe est vraiment trop serrée Uma moça tenta subir no ônibus Нun oppdager plutselig at skjørtet hennes er så trangt at hun ikke får løftet beina høyt nok. Så hun strekker hånden bak rumpa
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends.”
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, “It’s a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband,”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade.”
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Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch реnis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown”.
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok??”
In a very weak voice Mike says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?”
The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch реnis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
Mike said, “Oh Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn Around'”
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There was an expectant father who had spent all of his vacation time waiting for the offspring to arrive; he and the missuz were waiting- at his in-laws’ place. As he had no vacation left, he tells his father-in-law, “When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I’ll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby.”
The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it’s a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, “If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he’ll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over.” So the father-in-law left the following message:
“The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing.”
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought, however, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking.”
“Really? Great! Show me!” responds the interviewer.
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”
“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily marriedman.” he states.
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?” demands the interviewer.
“Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
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