Masturbation jokes

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When I was a kid, my dad use to say:
“Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.”
Probably why I fail my driving tests.

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Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of vоdка, a pack of Pringle’s, the remainder of bottle Prozac and Vаliuм prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake an a box a chocolates. You have no idea how вlооdy good I feel. I could fuск a Duck…!

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I bumped into an old friend today with his son, who was wearing a school uniform.
I said to his son, “Wow, look how big you are getting. What year are you in?”
He said, “2015, like everyone else.”

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My friend said to me, “My wife makes Susan Boyle look beautiful.”
I said, “Thank God you said that. I’ve been wanting to say something for years. She’s so fuскing ugly. What were you thinking when you married her?”
He said, “…No, you fuскing сunт, she’s Susan’s new personal make-up artist.”

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I was invited to a sеx оrgy at the weekend by this girl from work.
“I can’t come” I said
“That’s nothing” she replied “There’s a guy there that has to take viаgrа just to get it up”

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“Dad, what’s a Тrаnny?” asked my eight year old.
“I’m surprised someone your age knows that word, son,” I replied. “It’s an old name for a portable radio.”
“Now tell me,” I continued. “What do you think of my new dress?”

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The DJ called me and said, “We are going live in a few seconds, I’m going to ask you what you’re going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.”
“Okay” I replied.
He said, “3…2….1….. Congratulations to Marc, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?”
I said, “I’m going to spend it on air.”

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I had just hung up my phone on the train this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, “Excuse me,” said a teenage girl dressed in her school uniform, “I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing and I’m pretty sure it was Beyonce, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna…”
I said, “You’re both wrong, it was my mum.”

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I was driving through an industrial estate the other day and I saw a big sign that said “Joe’s Тооl Works”.
I thought, “So does mine but I don’t put up a big fuскing sign bragging about it.”

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A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
“Afraid not,” said the farmer.
“I’ll give you a thousand bucks!” said the city fella.
“I can’t sell you that horse. He don’t look too good,” replied the farmer.
“I know horses, and he looks fine. I’ll give you two thousand!”
“Well, all right, if you want him so bad.”
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. “You sold me a blind horse!”
“Well,” said the farmer, “I told you he didn’t look too good.”

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My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.
He said, “You know, you could do better.”
“Thanks dad, that means a lot,” I replied.
“I was talking to your girlfriend.”

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A married man keeps telling his wife “Honey, you have such a beautiful вuтт”. Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful вuтт. The man’s birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words “Beautiful вuтт” tattooed on her аss.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful вuтт. He looks and says, “You do have a beautiful вuтт”. She then tells the man she wants Beautiful вuтт tattooed on her аss. The man tells her “I can’t fit that on your аss, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful вuтт. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man’s birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says “look honey.” She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man screams “WHO THE FUСК IS BOB?”!

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My friend brags about having sеx anally with his girlfriend.
So what, I have sеx twice as often as that.

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Grandma said she was going to buy a dog to help fill the hole after Grandad died….. That woman is sick

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An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sреrм sample for the doctor, he turns up two days later with an empty jar.
The doctor asks ‘Why don;t you have a sреrм sample?’
The man says ‘Sorry, I tried with my right hand, and then with my left hand, and then with my wife hands, and then with my wife’s mouth, 1st with her teeth in, and then with her teeth out, then with Ethel from next door but it was all no good.
We just can’t get the jar open!

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I was having a drink with an old friend talking about when we were teenagers, I said did you practice safe sеx??
Too true he said, if ever I got lucky I didn’t tell them my real name or address.

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I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, “I’m going to fuск you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine.”
She replied, “Wow! Let’s go - it’s good to find a man with such stamina these days.”
For some reason, she didn’t seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.

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My mate said, “I like your car.”
I said, “It’s not very practical now we’ve got a baby.”
He said, “How about I buy it off you.”
I said, “Yeah go on then. Three grand?”
He said, “You’ve got yourself a deal.”
I said, “Nice one… you’re going to make a brilliant dad.”

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