Masturbation jokes

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My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.
She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.
She’s got on a skirt and I can see she’s not wearing any knickers.
She says, “Pink or brown. Take your pick.”
I said, “How the fuск can I play snooker when you’re on the table?!”

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I had a job interview this morning.
The guy said to me, “You’ll get 25K a year, after 2 years you’ll get 30K.”
I said, “Your maths is shiт, mate.”

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It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.
“Can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”
“Where are you?” she asked.
She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

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I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an оrgаn donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

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I bought some sеxy crotch-less knickers in Ann Summers today.
“A surprise for the wife?” asked the cashier.
“Maybe” I replied, “It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not.”

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I found out by accident last night that my girlfriend is adopted.
We were in bed together and I’m shouting, “Who’s your daddy, Who’s your daddy?”
“I don’t know!” she replied, “There’s an agency looking for him but they don’t have any clues.”

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I got sacked from PC World today. A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.
I said “Probably a shovel.”

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I was standing in another long line at the airport and my mind slipped into the idle gear… I mused, “What does it mean to “pre-board?” Do you get on board before you get on board?

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Some American guy was boasting to me about the size of his Country.
“You can board a train in Texas, and 24 hours later, you could still BE in Texas!” he said.
“Yes” I said. “We’ve got trains like that over here, too.”

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A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery.
An art critic approaches him, “Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?”
- Sure.
- It’s pretty much worthless.
- I don’t mind, you can tell me anyway.

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“Come on in,” I said to the neighbour at the front door.
“I’d rather not,” she said, “I’ve got dirтy feet.”
“That doesn’t matter,” I said. “You can keep your shoes on.”

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My wife said to me that the Home Alone films are so unrealistic…
I replied, “Well, they aren’t gonna show him putting a роrnо on and having a wаnк, are they?”

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When you first meet her, she says she’s “bi”, then later you realise she meant ” polar”..

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A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who’d had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
“You lying ваsтаrd!” she shouts,” last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!”
“No,” he says, “I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team.”

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