Masturbation jokes

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It was the wife’s birthday yesterday and she had told me she wanted a ring.
“Happy birthday,” I said, before putting down the phone and going back to my mates in the pub.

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My wife keeps dropping hints about a sеxy gift she wants.
“It begins with ‘D’ and ends in ‘O’ .. and it fits snugly in there”, she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, “Where the fсuк am I gonna find a didgeridoo?”

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I watched a cookery programme today.
The chef looked into the camera and said, “Today I’m going to show you how to make a delicious casserole, using these simple ingredients from your very own kitchen.”
The cheeky ваsтаrd. He must’ve sneaked in and taken them when I wasn’t looking.

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My girlfriend kept hinting that I might need to measure her finger size for her birthday gift.
I’m already one step ahead of her - I’ve got her those gloves where one size fits all.

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My wife told me she’s loving me because I don’t listen to her properly.

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This farmer stomps into his marital bedroom carrying a sheep and exclaims, “This is the pig I fuск when you give me attitude.” …
His wife looks at him curiously and says, “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep” …
He snaps back and says, “I think you’ll find that’s who I was talking to!”

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My girlfriend texted me earlier, “Why don’t you ever put an x at the end of your texts?”
I replied, “Sorry ваве. Michelle.”

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I can tell you from experience, it’s never a good idea to be completely honest when filling out a job application form.
For example; where it says, ‘Likes/ Dislikes’, it’s not a good idea to write, ‘Big тiтs/ Pakis’.

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My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom.
This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.

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I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it.
“When did you first notice the leak?” he asked.
I told him, “Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”

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I started my new job in a salon today when a beautiful lady walked in.
She said, “I’m undecided at the moment. What’s the best style you can give to me?”
“Doggy,” I replied.

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Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

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Apparently it’s Suicide Awareness Day.
Wasn’t sure what that entails, so I’ve just been looking up when walking past tall buildings.

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When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying ‘Queue on the other side’.
So I killed myself.

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I said to my mate, “Bet you can’t guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?”
He chuckled, “Go on then, put me out of my misery.”
So I shot his wife.

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My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.
She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.
She’s got on a skirt and I can see she’s not wearing any knickers.
She says, “Pink or brown. Take your pick.”
I said, “How the fuск can I play snooker when you’re on the table?!”

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I had a job interview this morning.
The guy said to me, “You’ll get 25K a year, after 2 years you’ll get 30K.”
I said, “Your maths is shiт, mate.”

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It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.
“Can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”
“Where are you?” she asked.
She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

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