Masturbation jokes

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Everyone seems to be asking me, “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”
I always answer, “Five years from now, I’ll see myself like I always do. In a mirror.”

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I walked straight up to the counter at McDonald’s and said to the cashier, “I’ll have a Big Mac meal, please.”
“What about the 10 people that are queuing beside you?” she asked.
“Nothing for them,” I said. “They’re not with me.”

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I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar turned to me and said, “Love your neighbour.”
I said, “Me too - cracking pair of тiтs!”share

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My psychologist told me:
“Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them.”
I have done so, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters…

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I was sitting down chatting to a girl in the pub last night.
One thing led to another and before I knew it I was groping her тiтs.
She said, “Everybody is looking, do you want to go somewhere a little more private?”
I thought, “You кinкy вiтсh” as I slipped two fingers into her fаnny.

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Came Across a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbor’s house.

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My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.
“Where are you?” she moaned.
“I’m at the pub.” I replied.
She said, “I think the baby’s coming!”
I said, “She won’t get in, she’s under-age.”

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I was watching роrn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny соскs.”

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A Jehovah’s Witness knocked at my door this morning.
“Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day?” he asked.
“Well,” I replied, “I’m not a big fаn of the Terminator series.” I Said

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“Watson.”
“Who’s Sherlock’s assistant?”

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My mate said to me, “If you had to choose, what would you prefer. Massive тiтs or a round peachy аrsе?”
I said, “It would have to be a round peachy аrsе. I would look ridiculous with massive тiтs.”

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I saw a poster that ready ” Not all disabilities are visible”
I don’t know about you, but I recon being invisible would be more of a super power than a disability.

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It was the wife’s birthday yesterday and she had told me she wanted a ring.
“Happy birthday,” I said, before putting down the phone and going back to my mates in the pub.

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My wife keeps dropping hints about a sеxy gift she wants.
“It begins with ‘D’ and ends in ‘O’ .. and it fits snugly in there”, she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, “Where the fсuк am I gonna find a didgeridoo?”

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I watched a cookery programme today.
The chef looked into the camera and said, “Today I’m going to show you how to make a delicious casserole, using these simple ingredients from your very own kitchen.”
The cheeky ваsтаrd. He must’ve sneaked in and taken them when I wasn’t looking.

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Show her that size really does matter by exposing your big, throbbing vocabulary.

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My girlfriend kept hinting that I might need to measure her finger size for her birthday gift.
I’m already one step ahead of her - I’ve got her those gloves where one size fits all.

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My wife told me she’s loving me because I don’t listen to her properly.

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