Masturbation jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

My mate said to me, “If you had to choose, what would you prefer. Massive тiтs or a round peachy аrsе?”
I said, “It would have to be a round peachy аrsе. I would look ridiculous with massive тiтs.”

0

0

I saw a poster that ready ” Not all disabilities are visible”
I don’t know about you, but I recon being invisible would be more of a super power than a disability.

0

0

I was chatting with this American lass down at the pub.
“You must be from Tennessee,” I remarked.
“Why? Because I’m the only ten you see?” she asked.
“No. You look like your parents were closely related.”

0

0

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sеxy gift she wants.
“It begins with ‘D’ and ends in ‘O’ .. and it fits snugly in there”, she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, “Where the fсuк am I gonna find a didgeridoo?”

0

0

I watched a cookery programme today.
The chef looked into the camera and said, “Today I’m going to show you how to make a delicious casserole, using these simple ingredients from your very own kitchen.”
The cheeky ваsтаrd. He must’ve sneaked in and taken them when I wasn’t looking.

0

0

Show her that size really does matter by exposing your big, throbbing vocabulary.

0

0

My girlfriend kept hinting that I might need to measure her finger size for her birthday gift.
I’m already one step ahead of her - I’ve got her those gloves where one size fits all.

0

0

My wife told me she’s loving me because I don’t listen to her properly.

0

0

This farmer stomps into his marital bedroom carrying a sheep and exclaims, “This is the pig I fuск when you give me attitude.” …
His wife looks at him curiously and says, “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep” …
He snaps back and says, “I think you’ll find that’s who I was talking to!”

0

0

My girlfriend texted me earlier, “Why don’t you ever put an x at the end of your texts?”
I replied, “Sorry ваве. Michelle.”

0

0

I can tell you from experience, it’s never a good idea to be completely honest when filling out a job application form.
For example; where it says, ‘Likes/ Dislikes’, it’s not a good idea to write, ‘Big тiтs/ Pakis’.

0

0

My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom.
This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.

0

0

I started my new job in a salon today when a beautiful lady walked in.
She said, “I’m undecided at the moment. What’s the best style you can give to me?”
“Doggy,” I replied.

0

0

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

0

0

I was in the cinema last night when a stunning girl came over, leaned seductively on the empty seat next to me and said, “Is this taken?”
“No,” I replied, “A Good Day To Die Hard.”

0

0

Apparently it’s Suicide Awareness Day.
Wasn’t sure what that entails, so I’ve just been looking up when walking past tall buildings.

0

0

When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying ‘Queue on the other side’.
So I killed myself.

0

0

I said to my mate, “Bet you can’t guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?”
He chuckled, “Go on then, put me out of my misery.”
So I shot his wife.

0

0