Masturbation jokes

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I don’t usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

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After my girlfriend had given birth to our son, the midwife smiled at me and said, “Do you have a name?”
I said, “Yes, it’s Dave.”
“Dave is a lovely name,” she replied.
I said, “Thanks, what do you think we should call the baby?”

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Went to the Apple store and saw they had a sign in the window:
“Apply within.”
Well, what the fuск else is it going to be inside? Orangy?

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“I was out enjoying an Indian meal the other night when the waiter came up to me and said “Curryokay?”
I said “Go on then, just one song then fuск off.

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I was on the train, having a chat to my girlfriend, when it entered a tunnel, so i said, “we’re starting to break up, sorry”,
She replied, “Really? I can hear you fine here”
“No, i meant i don’t want you anymore, now fuск off”.

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Everyone seems to be asking me, “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”
I always answer, “Five years from now, I’ll see myself like I always do. In a mirror.”

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I walked straight up to the counter at McDonald’s and said to the cashier, “I’ll have a Big Mac meal, please.”
“What about the 10 people that are queuing beside you?” she asked.
“Nothing for them,” I said. “They’re not with me.”

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I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar turned to me and said, “Love your neighbour.”
I said, “Me too - cracking pair of тiтs!”share

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My wife woke me up this morning and said, “Morning, fuск face.”
So I did.

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My psychologist told me:
“Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them.”
I have done so, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters…

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I was sitting down chatting to a girl in the pub last night.
One thing led to another and before I knew it I was groping her тiтs.
She said, “Everybody is looking, do you want to go somewhere a little more private?”
I thought, “You кinкy вiтсh” as I slipped two fingers into her fаnny.

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Came Across a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbor’s house.

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I was watching роrn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny соскs.”

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A Jehovah’s Witness knocked at my door this morning.
“Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day?” he asked.
“Well,” I replied, “I’m not a big fаn of the Terminator series.” I Said

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“Watson.”
“Who’s Sherlock’s assistant?”

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My mate said to me, “If you had to choose, what would you prefer. Massive тiтs or a round peachy аrsе?”
I said, “It would have to be a round peachy аrsе. I would look ridiculous with massive тiтs.”

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I saw a poster that ready ” Not all disabilities are visible”
I don’t know about you, but I recon being invisible would be more of a super power than a disability.

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I was chatting with this American lass down at the pub.
“You must be from Tennessee,” I remarked.
“Why? Because I’m the only ten you see?” she asked.
“No. You look like your parents were closely related.”

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