Masturbation jokes

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An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.” Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect аss.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the dамn necklace.”

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I don’t care how much you liked the smell of the soap…….
…… Never walk out of a public restroom smelling your fingers.

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father and stands next to him eating a cake whilst he’s having his hair cut.
The barber smiles at her and says “You’re going to get some hair on your muffin!”
The little girl replies “Yes I know and I’m going to get тiтs as well!”

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After my girlfriend had given birth to our son, the midwife smiled at me and said, “Do you have a name?”
I said, “Yes, it’s Dave.”
“Dave is a lovely name,” she replied.
I said, “Thanks, what do you think we should call the baby?”

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Went to the Apple store and saw they had a sign in the window:
“Apply within.”
Well, what the fuск else is it going to be inside? Orangy?

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Three girlfriends are talking about their partners.
“Every time I sтrоке Frank’s ваlls they’re freezing cold,” says Sandra.
“Wow, same for me,” says Angie. “Every time I sтrоке Dave’s ваlls they’re practically frozen.”
Susie says very little the whole evening, but when they all meet up a week later she’s wearing large sunglasses to hide a black eye.
“What happened to you?” asks Sandra.
“I wish I knew,” says Susie. “All I did was ask my Bob why his ваlls were as cold as Frank’s and Dave’s .

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“I was out enjoying an Indian meal the other night when the waiter came up to me and said “Curryokay?”
I said “Go on then, just one song then fuск off.

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I was on the train, having a chat to my girlfriend, when it entered a tunnel, so i said, “we’re starting to break up, sorry”,
She replied, “Really? I can hear you fine here”
“No, i meant i don’t want you anymore, now fuск off”.

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Everyone seems to be asking me, “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”
I always answer, “Five years from now, I’ll see myself like I always do. In a mirror.”

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I walked straight up to the counter at McDonald’s and said to the cashier, “I’ll have a Big Mac meal, please.”
“What about the 10 people that are queuing beside you?” she asked.
“Nothing for them,” I said. “They’re not with me.”

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I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar turned to me and said, “Love your neighbour.”
I said, “Me too - cracking pair of тiтs!”share

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My wife woke me up this morning and said, “Morning, fuск face.”
So I did.

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I was sitting down chatting to a girl in the pub last night.
One thing led to another and before I knew it I was groping her тiтs.
She said, “Everybody is looking, do you want to go somewhere a little more private?”
I thought, “You кinкy вiтсh” as I slipped two fingers into her fаnny.

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Came Across a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbor’s house.

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My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.
“Where are you?” she moaned.
“I’m at the pub.” I replied.
She said, “I think the baby’s coming!”
I said, “She won’t get in, she’s under-age.”

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I was watching роrn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny соскs.”

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A Jehovah’s Witness knocked at my door this morning.
“Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day?” he asked.
“Well,” I replied, “I’m not a big fаn of the Terminator series.” I Said

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“Watson.”
“Who’s Sherlock’s assistant?”

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