Masturbation jokes

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I am on file with an on-line job search agency, and I had just finished off a 1.75L handle of cheap hоосh when the phone rang. …
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“This is your recruiter. I have two holes I think you could fill quite nicely,” she said … …
…
“I’ll bet I could, come on by the house,” wasn’t the response she expected, as I noted this morning my online account has been revoked.

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My eldest daughter told me she wanted to take up modelling, so I bought her a bag of plasticine.

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A lady was picking up several items at a supermarket. When she finally got up to the checkout lane, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:
“PRICE CHECK ON LANE THREE, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.”
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom:
“Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

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When EE said I’ll get unlimited calls and texts with my new mobile contract, I didn’t realise it would be from PPI insurance claim companies.

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My wife rang me earlier and said her mother was near to death and wont last the night, so to come down to the hospital.
I said but the football’s on and ill miss it.
She said i don’t care u can tape it.
You should have seen the look on her face when i turned up with a camcorder and a tripod.

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“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.
“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.
It took me three hours.

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I was sitting in the park wanking over the page 3 today.
An old lady walked over, angered, “Could you cut that out?”
“Fuск off, buy your own paper

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I was chatting with a girl on-line.
“Tell me something interesting about yourself,” I typed.
“I’m Lebanese,” came the reply..
I’m wasting my time, I thought: she’s dyslexic and she prefers girls.

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My wife said she’d like to have another baby.
I agreed, the one we have is fuскing annoying!

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Today, my boss told me to, “Take a note.”
So I flicked through his wallet, and grabbed the fifty.

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As the taxi driver dropped me off last night, he said, “That’s £16 please.”
I gave him a twenty and said, “Keep it.”
“Are you serious?” he asked.
I said, “Yeah, I’m in a good mood.”
He said, “Fuск off you тwат, you owe me another £15.80.”

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I rang my mate as I stood рissеd outside to ask how to get into his club.
He said, “There should be a кnов on the door.”
I said, “Yeah, he’s the one that won’t let me in.”

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“I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life in Tesco!” exclaimed the wife, “what the fuск was that shiт doing in my handbag?”
“Well I did shout to say we’d run out of toilet paper!”
“And your point is?”
“You fuскing told me to put it on your shopping list.”

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Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said.
“Tell me, do you object to making love?”
“That is something I have never done before,” Jill replied.
“Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?”
Jack was amazed. “No, silly!” she giggled. “I’ve never objected!

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After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table… …
I’ll try, but I’ll need some chalk for my cue.

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Bought some Colgate and on the tube it said ‘Guaranteed whiteness in 14 days’ 15 days later, I’m still fuскing black!

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I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.
“Oh yes, quite a few”, the Librarian said.
“Sorry to hear that”, I replied. “They’ll all be ruined by now”.

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Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said “be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity ”
So I left without paying.

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